The Horrible Irony

I told myself to never wait again. I told myself monogamy wasn’t enough. That love was a figment of the cruel imagination, and I was either going to end up loving too much or just not enough. I said that the balance would never be there.
I told myself that I was mistaken when I saw depth in a stranger’s eyes, and that there was no such thing. I told myself that eyes were just that, eyes, and that there was a pupil and things to attach them, but that there was no window I could see through. The eyes were no more than eyes.
I said that I wouldn’t be condemned as someone’s passing time. I told myself I wouldn’t give up on that. I didn’t think with my heart after so long. My heart was beating on the left, after all.
I said I was wrong. My head was all wrong. Invalid. Everything.
Everyone said to let go of you, because you would come back.
I told them.
I told them I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking away.
Of you watching those elevator doors close.
I couldn’t watch you. My vision was blurred.
I told myself I’d never wait again.

“Just come home.”
“I want to. More than anything…”
“I know…”

And I’ve got the good and bad days. There are the days when I can accept that you’ll be gone for a while. There are those bad days when I feel like you’ll never be coming back, though I know that is completely untrue.
Writing through letter is depressing, now that I’m used to all the communication we had.
I never had the right timing. I never had the right person.
Am I waiting?
Would that be what you classified this as?
Because I’m not using you as a past time. I’m not stalling.
Am I waiting?
Anything you want from me is something I’d give up. I don’t understand?

“You’ve got your whole life to do something, and that’s not very long.”

And WHY do I feel rushed? There is no rush.
Perhaps there is.

(you) hugged (me) back
And I never met you half way. You went, one hundred percent.
I didn’t call you.
You were the one. One hundred percent.
I backed away while you were stepping forward.
And it will never be because I was trying to subtly hint that I did not want to be yours. It will always be because I am insecure at the amount of myself I will give to a person, remotely close or not.
This isn’t anything new.
The mass has been hurt by another person in a way that may never bring them back to their selves before ever again, and I’m not saying I’m not myself.
But maybe I can’t give you all of myself?
Maybe not now.
I always wanted to try.
I did want to apologize. You have been so giving.
While I was, unrelentingly, hiding.

I was the one to talk. I was the one to always ask the questions.
Only because I never knew how I could ever answer if you were to ask me.
So I tried to keep it all low key.

ABC

And I'm getting up at the ass crack of dawn in the morning because I'm watching Snake shipping off, being sworn in, telling him good-bye to boot camp. Nine weeks. Then off to 14 weeks of something that I'm ashamed I cannot think of the name of. Oh, the army.
And it's okay. Nine weeks isn't that long...


Too long.


During the fourteen weeks, he'll be close to home. Just a couple of hours away. Boot camp, of course, is close to nothing. Letters. Period. End. But those fourteen weeks will be 3423589 percent more free.


But then, what after that?


AFRICA?!


Oh gosh, I laugh at that Snake, now, because twenty-three weeks is plenty of time to avoid the whole thought, as we did this. I don't find it as a bad thing though.


Tomorrow, I will be a mess. Guaranteed.

Entirely Too Appropriate

Would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way
Well, he opened my eyes to a world beyond
That impossible dream I was living on.

And I thank my lucky stars each night
When you're in my arms and your holdin' me tight
I realize what it means to have your true love
I would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way.

And I thank my lucky stars each night
When you're in my arms and your holdin' me tight
I realize what it means to have your true love
When I look back on my life before
How my heart got shattered with a slammin' door.

I see how it all had to be for the two of us
Oh, the river of tears that flow from my eyes
Was only moving me on to this paradise
I would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way...


Patty Loveless

Timid

I'm a bit guarded when it comes to writing.
About you.
Because you're new. And all of that was old.

. I told you. I've had the bad. The worst? Perhaps not, but I know what the bad is. ANd you are not.
I'm going to try my best to filter out what until I have what I need to say.

I like it because we're taking it easy.

What I Used To Say

If he believes
that she wants those nights back
just know that that was
tears ago
She sees she's going in circles
because she's spotted him in the same
hopeless, lovely spot
a million times before
His face is now gone and
merely fuel for her memory
Her RSVP is never returned
and she does not know where to
find him
And she's finally prepared herself (as much as one could) to hit the floor on rock bottom...hard.

5-4-05
...She then turned to me saying, "he doesn't know that you are coming to visit him. So, I obviously don't have a picture to give him like he asked, but I think you yourself would probably be better appreciated." She then giggled and butterflies set in my stomach.
He was free for five hours.
I really did have a good time, even when his mother and sister got into their spat.
I like him, he really is a good guy. He doesn't deserve to be where he is, but I hope it is all working out smoothly for him. God, I hope so.
I think Macy is truly unaware of what all she had with him because he felt so deeply for her and was so committed. All she had to do was say 'go'.






"there are voices of elders
who seem to do no more
than damn us
to our childish ways
for in so many households
wisdom
no longer comes with age"

And I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. I don't know how you condemn it. The trauma such experience brings is irreversible, though it does happen. Perhaps I disassociate myself from the actual situation much too often. Get it over with. Call it what you want. I don't want to do that anymore. I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. But merely covered up by crap and garbage. Weighed down by your thoughts. Remember that night? I don't know what you recollect. You were drunk too much. I don't know if you remember what I said. I know you knew the morning after. Maybe you didn't?
the months after still have me confused. I never wanted to see the real world. I was always up for bench warming. This is how accidents happen. I hate your impaired judgment. (Was your sediment impaired?)
I honestly do not know why I suddenly remember. I forgot about it (((forced it away from memory))) after it happened. I remember the four visits concerning it. The crying. The anger. The shock. The shock. The shock.
It broke my heart.










Oh gosh, those words are so long ago. The memories are so long ago. I feel a little renewed, though I am aware I'll feel the same again soon, and then after that.
Happily renewed, happily new.
New in some dimension, at any rate.
I am worth while now, and I know it. I have someone who is important to me in a manner that I never knew.
I have something that isn't hushed. I have something that is legitimately mine. And it's okay. And it's lovely. And I cannot wait until twelve hours (perhaps thirteen?) from now.
And I know I will soon crash a burn for a while.
And then I'll put up and shut up and move along with the current of things. The up, the downward spiral, and being thrown back up to the surface again.
And I'm glad I'll be with you through it.

"She needn't steal your heart
if you give it to her
the cops and robbers
of your childhood
neglected to teach you
such simplicity."

Share

It's true
My hair was wet
My face was bare
The night wasn't exactly young
but we sure made it
we may not be too experienced
but we own it
the feeling I never had felt
Care
Under your fingertips, it's where I like to be
I'd love to listen to your heart beat
and feel it under my hand
the dimmed lights we shared together
wasn't something I wanted to end
Those broad shoulders of yours
your focused eyes on mine
falling asleep beside you
the accidents we fall into
...
Three weeks today.
It's okay.