What I Used To Say

If he believes
that she wants those nights back
just know that that was
tears ago
She sees she's going in circles
because she's spotted him in the same
hopeless, lovely spot
a million times before
His face is now gone and
merely fuel for her memory
Her RSVP is never returned
and she does not know where to
find him
And she's finally prepared herself (as much as one could) to hit the floor on rock bottom...hard.

5-4-05
...She then turned to me saying, "he doesn't know that you are coming to visit him. So, I obviously don't have a picture to give him like he asked, but I think you yourself would probably be better appreciated." She then giggled and butterflies set in my stomach.
He was free for five hours.
I really did have a good time, even when his mother and sister got into their spat.
I like him, he really is a good guy. He doesn't deserve to be where he is, but I hope it is all working out smoothly for him. God, I hope so.
I think Macy is truly unaware of what all she had with him because he felt so deeply for her and was so committed. All she had to do was say 'go'.






"there are voices of elders
who seem to do no more
than damn us
to our childish ways
for in so many households
wisdom
no longer comes with age"

And I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. I don't know how you condemn it. The trauma such experience brings is irreversible, though it does happen. Perhaps I disassociate myself from the actual situation much too often. Get it over with. Call it what you want. I don't want to do that anymore. I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. But merely covered up by crap and garbage. Weighed down by your thoughts. Remember that night? I don't know what you recollect. You were drunk too much. I don't know if you remember what I said. I know you knew the morning after. Maybe you didn't?
the months after still have me confused. I never wanted to see the real world. I was always up for bench warming. This is how accidents happen. I hate your impaired judgment. (Was your sediment impaired?)
I honestly do not know why I suddenly remember. I forgot about it (((forced it away from memory))) after it happened. I remember the four visits concerning it. The crying. The anger. The shock. The shock. The shock.
It broke my heart.










Oh gosh, those words are so long ago. The memories are so long ago. I feel a little renewed, though I am aware I'll feel the same again soon, and then after that.
Happily renewed, happily new.
New in some dimension, at any rate.
I am worth while now, and I know it. I have someone who is important to me in a manner that I never knew.
I have something that isn't hushed. I have something that is legitimately mine. And it's okay. And it's lovely. And I cannot wait until twelve hours (perhaps thirteen?) from now.
And I know I will soon crash a burn for a while.
And then I'll put up and shut up and move along with the current of things. The up, the downward spiral, and being thrown back up to the surface again.
And I'm glad I'll be with you through it.

"She needn't steal your heart
if you give it to her
the cops and robbers
of your childhood
neglected to teach you
such simplicity."