I Cannot Sleep

3-14-06


He doesn't touch me, not anymore. I see him, I watch him touch others. And sometimes "people don't do things because they don't want you to know that they want to do them". Right? I mean, that is a complicated way of going about things. But it is true, isn't it?
Is that the case?
I don't think he'd put that kind of effort into not doing something. And maybe I take things too far.
He called tonight and we talked for a long while. He asked me to come over. We laughed at what the other said and we're easy to talk to.
But he doesn't have to know anything about my feelings. He doesn't ask, anyway.
He doesn't ask like he used to.
Is it because he has a desired answer about my feelings? Has he lost interest in them? Or does he know?
There are strange things, sometimes, strage theories he leads me to.
But tonight I wish to forget about them.
...Yes! Yes! I'd love to meet up with you at your place. Yes! Yes!
He doesn't touch me anymore.
I do not touch him anymore.
Maybe there are two seperate explanations.
Maybe we share the same.

I Fall Back On No One

...therefore, my back has grown pretty tough.

Simply put, I don't expect things. I don't say that everything is completey skewed and terrible.
More close to home, I don't throw knives at people. I dont cut my wrists, then wear t-shirts.
My life isn't over because of a stupid boy whose mind was clouded because of his damn penis.
And it's funny, because lately I've been holding my own hands, just to feel what it's like again.
When everything's wrong, I ask why. I even ask you.
I laugh. I laugh inappropriately, and it may seem offensive, like that one time.
I don't sympathize once you fuck up again. My feelings aren't hurt when you don't call back.
I like my friends. I like a lot of people who aren't my friends.
I'm not going to call you. It's one of my annoying quirks.
Sunflowers. Not roses....Sunflowers. Yes.
I can comprimise. Things don't have to be onesided.
You have to comprimise. Things can't be onesided.
No one will be the center of my attention, life, or dreams.
I don't expect to be yours either.
I've learned from the mistakes I've made, and I am trying to put that to good use, now.
"Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along like I know you do"
I'll laugh at you when you don't want me to.
You can laugh at me too.
We aren't restricted.

Auto

Gaps. I want. I don't want. They want. They don't want. And it never matches up and it's always one or the other. Forget, but never forgive. Or something.
I'd like to be charmed by the single life. Funny thing, though?
I'm not.
More than being with someone else, I'd want to be content in being alone. But I romanticize everything anyway.
I'd love to get out, but I haven't been let go. I haven't let go. This present is bitter and I don't know how to make it better.
I do not want words. I had weigned myself off of them, off of yours, and please, don't think that it was easy. You see it. We are both knowing we're alone. WE both know what it's like to want. To lust, perhaps is all it is? But you have said it, and I tried not to listen, I tried to stay from ear shot. But trying failed and we're here. Either way though, we're not accepting. It's just kind of spoiled now, and words are the only thing I know that could make it sweeter, but I don't' want words, I said from the beginning. But the words that you do speak you don't exactly whisper, and usually they are more blunt than charming but...Are they nothings? It isn't hard for me to dream your intentions, but I'd want you to confess they were just misconceptions you erected on purpose for me to misinterpret. I guess you don't miss what you never had; what you never knew; what you never asked for. I try to help it, but I watch you from away and hope you know it.
I always wonder if you'll every discover me while doing the same.

But then I throw water on myself and think of how great it'd be to just be friends.
I think of being together and see that I don't actually take to the idea.
I like how right now, it doesn't make sense.
I like how, right now, I'm going with you to nowhere and it's a pretty sight onto the thin air and no words.