Just To Make Things Right

I find myself lost for seconds at a time. In thoughts of smashing everything, silencing anything that dares make a noise, that dare break that perfect terrible pure hate that I can't seem to escape. I wander. That beautiful violence follows me like a sweet fragrance, clinging to my clothes and hanging in my memory like stale smoke in my fondest of memories.
That is when I am by myself and perfectly solitary in my own element. That is when I can drift away for seconds at a time and fulfill all those desires that remain repressed. To utterly destroy all that I cannot be. It's always there.
In my mind I try to rid myself of the reminder, to rid myself of the threat of socialized humanity. I could strive my whole life to create something of beauty or I could make just as much of a difference by destroying it.
If I were dying in your arms-Oh what a romantic scene-would you then profess your love for me?
If I were, perhaps, held-captive, prisoner-would you feel a deep painful longing for me?
If I were an abstract concept, or a mysterious character in a novel you've read, would you ponder over my workings with intrigue?
If I were just a silly girl writing her life away, desperately searching for your love, approval, importance...would you never realize how much I care?
And I do not know how to find the words for "I'm sorry". The light was extinguished by mistake. I meant for it to be your frustrations only that caused your grief. I fear that in my error I fanned the flames of nothing while snuffing the love. The amount that there was. It's your choice whether there was an abundance of the love... If you could have only stood still a moment longer...would anything be different now? Could you be content with the flavor?

Daily

You are at the park. I wish I were there. I have no place to go to feed the memories. I have only this yellow box to think. I have only this painted heart outlined in black to remember the person I never thought I'd actually find.
"Say that you'll stay forever and a day."

Ending up here is so mean. The clutter on the ground and the blank in our heads; maybe the devil made us do it. I can't pour my heart out to you, it isn't right. To let you see the true colors would scare you far away. "I've come to my senses that I've become senseless." I dye my hair because I don't want you to see the ugly of it. I cover up because I don't want you to see the scabs of gross I seem to have. I don't talk because I don't want you to know me for who I am.
Promise that you won't ask for me.
This is how it is supposed to be, no question.
I want to give you more than just a confirmation that I am here. I think I really just want you to be here with me.
I'll sit this one out.

Books

So, a re-cap about me:

-I suck. Plain and simple.
-I say stupid things a lot that leaves me in awkward situations and I don't mean to do it as often as it seems to happen.
-There are reasons that I blog, but I never come out and say them.
-I suck. Plain and simple.

I wanna have a funk party like Jake. Yeah, wanna come to my copied-funk-party? ...Please? You can have a wicked looking invitation like this ^ 

"Said the Shotgun to the Head"

Have you ever been kissed by God? Passionately (tongue, lips, etc.)? Or are you one who simply condemns God to the realm of the invisible? When do you feel most comfortable? When do you feel most loved? Perhaps it is in the warm embrace of your lover or in the assuring touch of your mother. Perhaps, like me, you have likened this person to God in your life and realized that God was loving you through them. Or maybe you don't believe in God. Cool. Here's a simpler question: Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essnce of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again- the first kiss of the rest of your life. A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world's greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding."

This is burning out, my friends

I'm throwing today away. I've been sleeping the past 14 hours and I am so going to sleep again right now.

What was that you said?

The side of my head....yay 

Sexy Camp Sarah. We just call her SCS.  

And we'll be leaving with some Sexy Camp action. Woo hoo.  

The side of Sarah's head. (We were comparing hair color......yeah...) 

These are mine! Camp had to point out my freakish second toe that's way too long. ...*looks down at the floor* 

Camp's spunky, kick ass shoes.  

You can do nothing but drool. "would you stick your tongue down my throat?" 

It was way too early in the AM. I wake up to "paparazzi".  

This is me falling down the stairs.  

See, oozing with the sex appeal. *sweats* 

I'm just being picture happy, now. 

You'd never guess.