"Nature's a Whore Said the Shotgun to the Head"

2009-12-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

How much could I add?

"...and the sound of distant thunder."

2009-12-17T19:23:00.000-08:00

Because the burn inside of my chest is damaging my memory of you, I have to stop and remember that what you have told me is true. The burn is exploding, but the fact remains that the truth is imposing. The truth is that I have never left you wondering, and as I lay here, you leave my mind tumbling. As I'm tumbling, I wonder why you are miles away from my frozen heart. Miles away, I know that you're asleep and in the dark. I'm not losing this fight. I've gone to sleep and I will drench the burn. The truth may have found me, but now, it is my turn.

Impatience.

2009-08-20T21:00:00.001-07:00

There is never a definite beginning. I can find the lines where things end, but not exactly how things begin.
I hate some people for ever beginning anything, like that time back in 2004. Sometimes, I hate that some people do not define endings, like my parents back in 2006.
I have a funny way with people. It isn't endearing or entertaining by any means.
I find myself excited by others exponentially more often than they are excited by me. I put time in watching their eyes and listening to their supposed intentions. It is always in vain. People love themselves, are obsessed with their own being, and I get frustrated when I am quieted because they are not finished.
I am moody in my intensity. I have vices, my biggest including my inability to forget or forgive. I think I may subconsciously hurt people to see if I deserve to be forgiven in their eyes, or if they are just like me.
I have a general compassion for humanity, but on bright days like today, I have contempt for them, and perhaps I'm not so keen on myself these kinds of days.
There are so many things that I expect from people when I listen to them, and it is never said. I do not know precisely what I'm waiting for, but I suspect that they may expect it of me too.

I would give anything to climb my way to the West, to where I am supposed to be. But I'll find come November that my heart has traveled to the East, and trying to keep up with it will take all of my energy and willpower. There is so much left unsaid. How could we ever say it? When would we ever say it?

These things, they don't shock or pain me anymore. Rather, they leave a deep-seeded anger, one that churns my stomach and leaves my head aching. And all I hear is, "It's going to be okay." It is a blinded, lazy gesture of comfort. No one ever really knows what is going to be.

So, you don't have to say anything, not a word. I would rather listen about your recent flat tire or lousy paycheck. We will begin where things seemed to end.

My One

2009-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Months of confusion
I've tried to avoid any contusions
I can't close my eyes any longer
I hear your voice every night and I'm not getting any stronger
The things you said float in and out of my memory
The way you laugh could satisfy me for centuries
But you have gone away; but you have promised to stay; and there isn't anything left to say.
You consume my memory, my dreams, my sky.
You are everywhere even when you forget to try.
And you're gone, but I'm not going to cry.
Months of confusion, I can't avoid these contusions.
I could be without anything, but I couldn't be without you.
I can wipe away the tears from your eyes
I don't hold on to you saying goodbye
After all these months of confusion
I'm going to heal from these contusions.

Howard Zinn on "War and Social Injustice" A lecture at Benghamton University, New York, November 2008

2009-07-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

Why is all the political rhetoric limited? Why is the set of solutions given to social and economic issues so cramped and so short of what is needed, so short of what the Universal Declaration of Human Rights demands? And, yes, Obama, who obviously is more attuned to the needs of people than his opponent, Obama, who is more far-sighted, more thoughtful, more imaginative, why has he been limited in what he is saying? Why hasn't he come out for what is called a single-payer system in healthcare?
Why-you see, you all know what the single-payer system is. It's a sort of awkward term for it, maybe. It doesn't explain what it means. But a single-payer health system means-well, it will be sort of run like Social Security. It'll be a government system. It won't depend on intermediaries, on middle people, on insurance companies. You won't have to fill out forms and pay- and figure out whether you have a preexisting medical condition. You won't have to go through that rigmarole, that rigmarole which has kept 40 million people out of having health insurance. No, something happens, you just go to a doctor, you go to a hospital, you're taken care of, period. The government will pay for it. Yeah, the government will pay for it. That's what governments are for.

Governments, they do that for the military. Did you know that? That's what the military has. The military has free insurance. I was once in the military. I got pneumonia, which is easier to get in the military. I got pneumonia. I didn't have to fool around with deciding what health plan I'm in. No, I was totally taken care of. I didn't have to think about money. Just-you know, there are a million members of the armed forces who have that. But when you ask that the government do this for everybody else, they cry, "That's socialism!" Well, if that's socialism, it must mean socialism is good.
I was really gratified when Obama called for "Let's tax the rich more, and let's tax the poor and middle class less." And they said, "That's socialism." And I thought, "Whoa! I'm happy to hear that. Finally, socialism is getting a good name." You know, socialism has been given bad names, Stalin and all those socialists, so-called socialists. They weren't really socialist, but, you know, they called themselves socialist. But they weren't really, you see. And so, socialism got a bad name. It used to have a really good name. Here in the United States, the beginning of the twentieth century, before there was a Soviet Union to spoil it, socialism had a good name. Millions of people in the United States read socialist newspapers. They elected socialist members of Congress and socialist members of state legislatures. You know, there were like fourteen socialist chapters in Oklahoma. Really. Socialism-who stood for socialism? Eugene Debs, Helen Keller, Emma Goldman, Clarence Darrow, Jack London, Upton Sinclair. Yeah, socialism had a good name. It needs to be restored.

But Obama, with all of his, well, good will, intelligence, all those qualities that he has, and so on- you feel that he has a certain instinct for people in trouble. But still, he wouldn't come out for a single-payer health system, that is, for what I would call health security, to go along with Social Security, you see, wouldn't come out for that; wouldn't come out for the government creating jobs for millions of people, because that's what really is needed now. You see, the newspapers this morning report highest unemployment in decades, right? The government needs to create jobs. Private enterprise is not going to create jobs. Private enterprise fails, the so-called free market system fails, fails again and again. When the Depression hit in the 1930s, Roosevelt and the New Deal created jobs for millions of people. And, oh, there were people out there on the fringe who yelled "Socialism!" Didn't matter. People needed it. If people need something badly, and somebody does something for them, you can throw all the names you want at them, it won't matter. But that was needed in this campaign. Yes.
Instead of Obama and McCain joining together-I know some of you may be annoyed that I'm being critical of Obama, but that's my job. You know, I like him. I'm for him. I want him to do well. I'm happy he won. I'm delighted he won. But I'm a citizen. I have to speak my mind. OK? Yeah. But when I saw Obama and McCain sort of both together supporting the $700 billion bailout, I thought, "Uh-oh. No, no. Please don't do that. Please, Obama, step aside from that. I'm sure something in your instincts must tell you that there's something wrong with giving $700 billion to the same financial institutions which ruined us, which got us into this mess, something wrong with that." And it's not even politically viable. That is, you can't even say, "Oh, I'm doing it because people will then vote for me." No. It was very obvious when the $700 billion bailout was announced that the majority of people in the country were opposed to it. Instinctively, they said, "Something is wrong with this. Why give it to them? We need it."
Obama should have been saying, "No, let's take that $700 billion, let's give it to people who can't pay their mortgages. Let's create jobs, you know." You know, instead of pouring $700 billion into the top and hoping that it will trickle down to the bottom, no, go right to the bottom, where people need it and get-so, yes, that was a disappointment. So, I'm trying to indicate what we'll have to do now and to fulfill what Obama himself has promised: change, real change. You can say "change," but if you keep doing the old policies, it's not change, right?

So what stands in the way of Obama and the Democratic Party, and what stands in the way of them really going all out for a social and economic program that will fulfill the promise of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights? Well, I can think of two things that stand in the way. Maybe there or more, but I can only think of two things at a time. And, well, one of them is simply the great, powerful economic interests that don't want real economic change. Really, they don't. The powerful-I mean, you take in healthcare, there are powerful interests involved in the present healthcare system. People are making lots of money from the healthcare system as it is, making so much money, and that's why the costs of the healthcare system in the United States are double what the healthcare costs are-the percentage of money devoted to healthcare-percentage is double administrative costs in the United States, compared to countries that have the single-payer system, because there are people there who are siphoning off this money, who are making money. You know, they're health plans. They're insurance companies. They're health executives and CEOs, so that there are interests, economic interests that are in the way of real economic change.

And Obama so far has not challenged those economic interests. Roosevelt did challenge those economic interests, boldly, right frontally. He called them economic royalists. He wasn't worried that people would say, "Oh, you're appealing to class conflict," the kind of thing they pull out all the time, as if there isn't, hasn't always been class conflict, just something new. Class conflict. "You're creating class conflict. We've never had class conflict. We've always all been one happy family." No. And so, there are these interests standing in the way, and unfortunately, the Democratic Party is tied to many of those interests. Democratic Party is tied to a lot of corporate interests. I mean, look at the people who are on Obama's economics team, and they're Goldman Sachs people, and they're former-you know, people like that. They don't represent change. They represent the old-style Democratic stay-put leadership that's not good.

So, the other factor that stands in the way of a real bold economic and social program is the war. The war, the thing that has a $600 billion military budget. Now, how can you call for the government to take over the healthcare system? How can you call for the government to give jobs to millions of people? How can you do all that? How can you offer free education, free higher education, which is what we should have really? We should have free higher education. How can you double teachers' salaries? How can you do all these things, which will do away with poverty in the United States? It all costs money.
And so, where's that money going to come from? Well, it can come from two sources. One is the tax structure. And here, Obama [has] been moving in the right direction. When he talked about not giving the rich tax breaks and giving tax breaks to the poor-in the right direction, but not far enough, because the richest one percent of the country has gained several trillions of dollars in the last twenty, thirty years as a result of the tax system, which has favored them. And, you have a tax system where 200 of the richest corporations pay no taxes. You can't do that. You don't have their accountants. You don't have their legal teams, and so on and so forth. You don't have their loopholes.

The war, $600 billion, we need that. We need that money. But in order to say that, in order to say, "Well, one, we're going to increase taxes on the super rich," much more than Obama has proposed-and believe me, it won't make those people poor. They'll still be rich. They just won't be super rich. I don't care if there are some rich people around. But, no, we don't need super rich, not when that money is needed to take care of little kids in pre-school, and there's no money for pre-school. No, we need a radical change in the tax structure, which will immediately free huge amounts of money to do the things that need to be done, and then we have to get the money from the military budget. Well, how do you get money from the military budget? Don't we need $600 billion for a military budget? Don't we have to fight two wars? No. We don't have to fight any wars. You know.
And this is where Obama and the Democratic Party have been hesitant to talk about. But we're not hesitant to talk about it. The citizens should not be hesitant to talk about it. If the citizens are hesitant to talk about it, they would just reinforce the Democratic leadership and Obama in their hesitations. No, we have to speak what we believe is the truth. I think the truth is we should not be at war. We should not be at war at all. I mean, these wars are absurd. They're horrible also. They're horrible, and they're absurd. From a human, human point of view, they're horrible. The deaths and the mangled limbs and the blindness and the three million people in Iraq losing their homes, having to leave their homes, three million people-imagine?-having to look elsewhere to live because of our occupation, because of our war for democracy, our war for liberty, our war for whatever it is we're supposed to be fighting for.
No, we need a president who will say-yeah, I'm giving advice to Obama. I know he's listening. But, if enough people speak up, he will listen, right? If enough people speak up, he will listen. There's much more of a chance of him listening, right, than those other people. They're not listening. They wouldn't listen. Obama could possibly listen -and the thing to say is, we have to change our whole attitude as a nation towards war, militarism, violence. We have to declare that we are not going to engage in aggressive wars. We are going to renounce the Bush Doctrine of preventive war. "We have to go to war on this little pitiful country, because this little pitiful country might someday"-do what? Attack us? I mean, Iraq might attack us? "Well, they're developing a nuclear weapon"-one, which they may have in five or ten years. That's what all the experts said, even the experts on the government side. They may develop one nuclear weapon in five-wow! The United States has 10,000 nuclear weapons. Nobody says, "How about us?”. Well, you know all about that. Weapons of mass destruct, etc., etc. No reason for us to wage aggressive wars. We have to renounce war as an instrument of foreign policy.
A hundred different countries, we have military bases. That doesn't look like a peace-loving country. First of all, of course, it's very expensive. We save a lot of money. Do we really need those-what do we need those bases for? I can't figure out what we need those bases for. And, so we have to give that up, and we have to declare ourselves a peaceful nation. We will no longer be a military superpower. "Oh, that's terrible!" There are people who think we must be a military superpower. We don't have to be a military superpower. We don't have to be a military power at all. We can be a humanitarian superpower. We can. We'll still be powerful. We'll still be rich. But we can use that power and that wealth to help people all over the world. Instead of sending helicopters to bomb people, send helicopters when they face a hurricane or an earthquake and they desperately need helicopters. You know, you know. So, there's a lot of money available once you seriously fundamentally change the foreign policy of the United States.

Now, Obama has been hesitant to do that. And it has something to do with a certain mindset, because it doesn't have anything to do really with politics, that is, with more votes. I don't think-do you think most Americans know that we have bases in a hundred countries? I'll bet you if you took a poll and asked among the American people, "How many countries do you think we have bases in?" "No, I don't know exactly what the answer is. What I would guess, there'd be like five, ten." But I think most people would be surprised. In other words, there isn't a public demanding that we have bases in a hundred countries, so there's no political advantage to that. Well, of course, there's economic advantage to corporations that supply those bases and build those bases and make profit from those bases, you know.

I do believe that the American people would welcome a president who said, "We are not going to wage aggressive war anymore." The American people are not war-minded people. They become war-minded when a president gets up there and creates an atmosphere of hysteria and fear, you know, and says, "Well, we must go to war." Then people, without thinking about it, without thinking, you know, "Why are we bombing Afghanistan?" "Because, oh, Osama bin Laden is there." "Uh, where?" Well, they don't really know, so we'll bomb the country. You know, if we bomb the country, maybe we'll get him. Sure, in the process, thousands of Afghans will die, right? People didn't have time to stop and think, think. But the American people are not war-minded people. They would welcome, I believe, a turn away from war. So there's no real political advantage to that.

But it has to do with a mindset, a certain mindset that-well, that a lot of Americans have and that Obama, obviously, and the Democratic leadership, Pelosi and Harry Reid and the others, that they all still have. And when you talk about a mindset that they have, which stands in the way of the declaring against war, you're reminded that during the campaign-I don't know if you remember this-that at one point Obama said- there were many times in the campaign where he said really good things, if he had only followed up on them, you see, and if he only follows up on them now. But at one point in the campaign, he said, "It's not just a matter of getting out of Iraq. It's a matter of changing the mindset that got us into Iraq." You see? That was a very important statement. Unfortunately, he has not followed through by changing his mindset. He knows somewhere in-well, then he expressed it, that we have to change our mindset, but he hasn't done it. Why? I don't know. Is it because there are too many people around him and too many forces around him, and etc., etc., that? But, no, that mindset is still there. So I want to talk about what that mindset is, what the elements of that mindset are.
And I have to look at my watch, not that it matters, not that I care, but, you know, I feel conscience-stricken over keeping you here just to hear the truth.

Here are some of the elements of the mindset that stand in the way, in the way for Obama, in the way for the Democratic Party, in the way for many Americans, in the way for us. One of the elements in our mindset is the idea, somehow, that the United States is exceptional. In the world of social science, in that discipline called social science, there's actually a phrase for it. It's called American exceptionalism. And what it means is the idea that the United States is unique in the world, that we are different -not just different, we're better. Right? We are better than other people. Our society is better than other societies. This is a very dangerous thing to think. When you become so arrogant that you think you are better and different than other countries in the world, then that gives you a carte blanche to do nasty things. You can do nasty things, because you're better. You're justified in doing those things, because, yeah, you're-we're different. So we have to divest ourselves of the idea that we are somehow better and we are the "City on the Hill," which is what the first governor of Massachusetts, John Winthrop, said. "We are the"-Reagan also said that. Well, Reagan said lots of things, you know that. But we are-you know, we're- everybody looks to-no, we're an empire, like other empires.
There was a British empire. There was a Russian empire. There was a German empire and a Japanese empire and a French and a Belgian empire, the Dutch empire and the Spanish empire. And now there's the American empire. When we look at those empires, we say, "Oh, imperialism! But our empire, no." There was one sort of scholar who wrote in the New York Times, he said, "We are an empire lite." Lite? Tell that to the people of Iraq. Tell that to the people in Afghanistan. You know, we are an empire lite? No, we are heavy.

All you have to do is look at our history, and you'll see, no, our history does not show a beneficent country doing good all over the world. Our history shows expansion. Our history shows expansion. It shows us doubling our territory with the Louisiana Purchase, which I remember on our school maps looked very benign. "Oh, there's that, all that empty land, and now we have it." It wasn't empty! There were people living there. There were Indian tribes. Hundreds of Indian tribes were living there. And if it's going to be ours, we've got to get rid of them. And we did. And then, we instigated a war with Mexico in 1848, 1846 to 1848, and at the end of the war we take almost half of Mexico. And why? Well, we wanted that land. That's very simple. We want things. There's a drive of nations that have the power and the capacity to bully other nations, a tendency to expand into those-the areas that those other nations have. We see it all over the world. And the United States has done that again and again. And then we expanded into the Caribbean. Then we expanded out into the Pacific with Hawaii and the Philippines. And, of course, in the twentieth century, expanding our influence in Europe and Asia and now in the Middle East, everywhere. An expansionist country, an imperialist power.

For what? To do good things for these other people? Or is it because we coveted-when I say "we," I don't mean to include you and me. But I've gotten- they've gotten us so used to identifying with the government. You know, like we say "we," like the janitor at General Motors says "we." No. No, the CEO of General Motors and the janitor are not "we."

So, no, we're not-we're not-exceptionalism is one part of the mindset we have to get rid of. We have to see ourselves honestly for what we are. We're an empire like other empires. We're as aggressive and brutal and violent as the Belgians were in the Congo, as the British were in India, and all these other empires. Yeah, we're just like them. We have to face it. And when you face that, you sober up a little, and then you don't think you can just go all over the world and say, "Ah, we're doing this for liberty and democracy," because then, if you know your history, you know how many times that was said. "Oh, we're going into the Philippines to bring civilization and Christianity to the Filipinos." "We're going to bring civilization to the Mexicans," etc., etc. No. You'll understand that. That's one element in this mindset.

And then, of course, when you say this, when you say these things, when you go back into that history, when you try to give an honest recounting of what we have been-not "we," really-what the government, the government, has done, our government has done. The people haven't done it. People-we're just people. The government does these things, and then they try to include us, involve us in their criminal conspiracy. We didn't do this. But they're dragooning us into this.

But when you start criticizing, when you start making an honest assessment of what we have done in the world, they say you're being unpatriotic. Well, you have to-that's another part of the mindset you have to get rid of, because if you don't, then you think you have to wear a flag in your lapel or you think you have to always have American flags around you, and you have to show, by your love for all this meaningless paraphernalia, that you are patriotic. Well, an honest presidential candidate would not be afraid to say, "You know, patriotism is not a matter of wearing a flag in your lapel, not a matter of this or not-patriotism is not supporting the government. Patriotism is supporting the principles that the government is supposed to stand for." So we need to redefine these things which have been thrown at us and which we've imbibed without thinking, not thinking, "Oh, what really is patriotism?" If we start really thinking about what it is, then we will reject these cries that you're not patriotic, and we'll say, "Patriotism is not supporting the government." When the government does bad things, the most patriotic thing you can do is to criticize the government, because that's the Declaration of Independence. That's our basic democratic charter. The Declaration of Independence says governments are set up by the people to-they're artificial creations. They're set up to ensure certain rights, the equal right to life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. So when governments become destructive of those ends, the Declaration said, "it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish" the government. That's our basic democratic charter. People have forgotten what it is. It's OK to alter or abolish the government when the government violates its trust. And then you are being patriotic. I mean, the government violates its trust, the government is being unpatriotic.

Yeah, so we have to think about these words and phrases that are thrown at us without giving us a time to think. And, we have to redefine these words, like "national security." What is national security? Lawyers say, "Well, this is for national security." Well, that takes care of it. No, it doesn't take care of it. This national security means different things to different people. Ah, for some people, national security means having military bases all over the world. For other people, national security means having healthcare, having jobs. You know, that's security. And we need to sort of redefine these things.

We need to redefine "terrorism." Otherwise, the government can throw these words at us: "Oh, we're fighting against terrorism." Oh, well, then I guess we have to do this. Wait a while, what do you mean by "terrorism"? Well, we sort of have an idea what terrorism means. Terrorism means that you kill innocent people for some belief that you have. Yeah, sure, blowing up on 9/11, that was terrorist. But if that's the definition of "terrorism," killing innocent people for some belief you have, then war is terrorism.

We have to stop thinking that solutions to problems are military solutions, that you can solve problems with violence. You can't really. You don't really solve problems with violence. We have to change our definitions of "heroism." Heroism in American culture, so far, really-when people think of heroism, they think of military heroes. They think of the people whose statues are all over the country, and they think of medals and battles. And yeah, these are military heroes. And that's why Obama goes along with that definition of military-of "hero," by referring to John McCain, as a military hero, always feeling that he must do that. I never felt he must do that. John McCain, to my mind-and I know that this is a tough thing to accept and may make some of the people angry-John McCain was tortured and bore up under torture and was a victim of torture and imprisonment, and it takes fortitude to that. He's not a military hero. Before he was imprisoned, he dropped bombs on innocent people. He did what the other members of the Air Force did. They dropped bombs on peasant villages and killed a lot of innocent people. I don't consider that heroism. So, we have to redefine. To me, the great heroes are the people who have spoken out against war. Those are the heroes.

I think we have to change, change our mindset. We have to understand certain things that we haven't maybe thought about enough. I think one of the things we haven't thought about enough-because this is basic, and this is crucial-we haven't realized, or at least not expressed it consciously, that the government's interests are not the same as our interests. Really. And so, when they talk about the national interest, they're creating what Kurt Vonnegut used to call a "granfalloon." A granfalloon was a meaningless abstraction and when you put together that don't belong together, you see a "national security"-no- "national interest." No, there's no one national interest. There's the interest of the president of the United States, and then there's the interest of the young person he sends to war. They're different interests, you see? There is the interest of Exxon and Halliburton, and there's the interest of the worker, the nurse's aide, the teacher, the factory worker. Those are different interests. Once you recognize that you and the government have different interests, that's a very important step forward in your thinking, because if you think you have a common interest with the government, well, then it means that if the government says you must do this and you must do that, and it's a good idea to go to war here, well, the government is looking out for my interest. No, the government is not looking out for your interest. The government has its own interests, and they're not the interests of the people. Not just true in the United States, it's true everywhere in the world. Governments generally do not represent the interests of their people. That's why governments keep getting overthrown, because people at a certain point realize, "Hey! No, the government is not serving my interest."
That's also why governments lie. Why do governments lie? You must know that governments lie-not just our government; governments, in general, lie. Why do they lie? They have to lie, because their interests are different than the interests of ordinary people. If they told the truth, they would be out of office. So you have to recognize that the difference, difference in interest.

Well, I have to say something about war, a little more than I have said, and what I say about them, because I've been emphasizing the importance of renouncing war and not being a war-making nation, and because it will not be enough to get us out of Iraq. One of these days, we'll get out of Iraq. We have to get out of Iraq. We don't belong there. And we're going to have to get out of there. Sooner or later, we're going to have to get out of there. But-we don't want to get out of Iraq and then have to get out of somewhere else. We don't have to get out of Iraq but keep troops in Afghanistan, as unfortunately, you know, Obama said, troops in Afghanistan. No, no more-not just Iraq. We have to get into a mindset about renouncing war, period, which is a big step.

And my ideas about war, my thoughts about war, the sort of the conclusions that I've come to about war, they really come from two sources. One, from my study of history. Of course, not everybody who studies history comes to the same conclusions. But, you have to listen to various people who study history and decide what makes more sense, right? I've looked at various histories. I've concluded that my history makes more sense. And I've always been an objective student of these things, yes. But my ideas about war come from two sources. One of them is studying history, the history of wars, the history of governments, the history of empires. That history helps a lot in straightening out your thinking.

And the other is my own experience in war. I was in World War II. I was an Air Force bombardier. I dropped bombs on various cities in Europe. That doesn't make me an expert. Lots of people were in wars, and they all come out with different opinions. So all I can do is give you my opinion based on my thinking after having been in a war. I was an enthusiastic enlistee in the Air Force. I wanted to be in the war, war against fascism, the "good war," right? But at the end of the war, as I looked around and surveyed the world and thought about what I had done and thought about-and learned about Hiroshima and Nagasaki and learned about Dresden and learned about Hamburg and learned things I didn't even realize while I was bombing, because when you're involved in a military operation, you don't think. You just-you're an automaton, really. You may be a well-educated and technically competent automaton, but you aren't really-you're not questioning, not questioning why. "Why are they sending me to bomb this little town? When the war is almost over, there's no reason for dropping bombs on several thousand people." No, you don't think.

Well, I began to think after the war and began to think that-and I was thinking now about the good war, the best war, and I was thinking, "Oh." And then I began to see, no, this good war is not simply good. This best of wars, no. And if that's true of this war, imagine what is true of all the other obviously ugly wars about which you can't even use the word "good."

And I began to realize certain things, that war corrupts everybody, corrupts everybody who engages in it. You start off, they're the bad guys. You make an interesting psychological jump. The jump is this: since they're the bad guys, you must be the good guys. No, they may very well be the bad guys. They may be fascists and dictators and bad, really bad guys. That doesn't mean you're good, you know? And when I began to look at it that way, I realized that wars are fought by evils on both sides. You know, one is a little more evil than the other. But even though you start in a war with sort of good intentions-we're going to defeat fascism, we're going to do this-you end up being corrupted, you end up being violent, you end up killing a lot of innocent people, because you've decided from the beginning that you're right, and then you don't have to ask questions anymore. That's an interesting psychological thing that you-trick that you play. Well, you start out-you make a decision at the very beginning. The decision is: they're wrong, I'm right. Once you have made that decision, you don't have to think anymore. Then anything you do goes. Anything you do is OK, because you made the decision early on that they're bad, you're good. Then you can kill several hundred thousand people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Then you can kill 100,000 people in Dresden. It doesn't matter. You're not thinking about it. Yeah, war corrupts everybody who engages in it.

So what else can I say about war? Lots of things. But I took out my watch presumably because I care. And I don't. But people will present you with humanitarian awards. Oh, this is for a good cause. The thing about war is the outcome is unpredictable. The immediate thing you do is predictable. The immediate thing you do is horrible, because war is horrible. And if somebody promises you that, "Well, this is horrible, like we have to bomb these hundreds of thousands of people in Japan. This is horrible, but it's leading to a good thing," truth is, you never know what this is leading to. You never know the outcome. You never know what the future is. You know that the present is evil, and you're asked to commit this evil for some possible future good. Doesn't make sense, especially if you look at the history of wars, you find out that those so-called future goods don't materialize. You know, the future good of World War II was, "Oh, now we're rid of fascism. Now we're going to have a good world, a peaceful world. Now the UN Charter, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. 50 million people died in World War II, but now it's going to be OK." Well, you've lived these years since World War II. Has it been OK? Can you say that those 50 million lives were- it had to be done because-because of what? No, the wars-violence in general is a quick fix. It may give you a feeling that you've accomplished something, but it's unpredictable in its ends. And because it's corrupting, the ends are usually bad.

So, OK, I won't say anything more about war. And, of course, it wastes people. It wastes wealth. It's an enormous, enormous waste.

And so, what is there to do? We need to educate ourselves and other people. We need to educate ourselves in history. History is very important. That's why I went into a little history, because if you don't know history, it's as if you were born yesterday. If you were born yesterday, then any leader can tell you anything, you have no way of checking up on it. History is very important. I don't mean formal history, what you learn in a classroom. No, history, if you're learning, go to the library. Go to the library and read, read, learn, learn history. So we have an educational job to do with history.

We have an educational job to do about our relationship to government, and to realize that disobedience is essential to democracy. And it's important to understand democracy is not the three branches of government. It's not what they told us in junior high school. "Oh, this is democracy. We have three branches of government, kiddos, the legislative, the executive, judicial. We have checks and balances that balance one another out. If somebody does something bad, it will be checked by"-wow! What a neat system! Nothing can go wrong. Well, now, those structures are not democracy. Democracy is the people. Democracy is social movements. That's what democracy is. And what history tells us is that when injustices have been remedied, they have not been remedied by the three branches of government. They've been remedied by great social movements, which then push and force and pressure and threaten the three branches of government until they finally do something. Really, that's democracy.

And no, we mustn't be pessimistic. We mustn't be cynical. We mustn't think we're powerless. We're not powerless. That's where history comes in. If you look at history, you see people felt powerless and felt powerless and felt powerless, until they organized, and they got together, and they persisted, and they didn't give up, and they built social movements. Whether it was the anti-slavery movement or the black movement of the 1960s or the antiwar movement in Vietnam or the women's movement, they started small and apparently helpless; they became powerful enough to have an effect on the nation and on national policy. We're not powerless. We just have to be persistent and patient, not patient in the passive sense, but patient in the active sense of having a kind of faith that if all of us do little things-well, if all of us do little things, at some point there will be a critical mass created. Those little things will add up. That's what has happened historically. People were disconsolate, and people thought they couldn't end, but they kept doing, doing, doing, and then something important happened.

And I'll leave you with just one more thought, that if you do that, if you join some group, if you join whatever the group is, a group that's working on gender equality or racism or immigrant rights or the environment or the war, whatever group you join or whatever little action you take, it will make you feel better. It will make you feel better. And I'm not saying we should do all these things just to make ourselves feel better, but it's good to know that life becomes more interesting and rewarding when you become involved with other people in some great social cause. Thank you.

2008-10-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

I love music
It doens't love me back.
I like screaming and singing
I'm not any good.
I used to like love,
but it's hard to find
so I gave up looking.
I like to write,
I never say anything.
I text a lot,
my buttons are sticking.
I had friends,
lost a lot,
have a few.
Have a family,
they're broken.
I go with the flow,
and I don't think the flow is taking me anywhere.
I hope you need this now,
because I know that I still do.

Quarters

2008-07-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

There's a greatness in the air outside, a greatness only unsuccessfully copied inside by cooling and heating systems. The smell of the air out here gets stuck on your face, pours into your lungs and awaits the arrival to the cranium.
The same could go for beauty, masked by make-up and cologne, its intentions to actually beautify.
The same could go for love and its romanticized imprint on persons in love, thought to be the best of all, the worst of all.

What is that chirping? Is it the birds, the crickets, the spiders?
Should I break a finger off to slap it with? If I do, would the chirper even be baited by it, killed by it, quieted by it?
Should I scream, or would he mock me? If I scream will I scare him? Or does he, Chirper, encounter far more frights than my vocal chords?
It isn't like I want to break a finger off or scream.
It isn't as if I want to be outside to experience the outside air drowning my lungs and the smog clogging the pores of my body and seeping into my brain. It isn't even as if I want this pen and this ridiculous paper and to call it beautiful or ugly or hopeless or wonderful or wretched.
It's just that if I were inside, I'd run. I'd run until I couldn't find my way back. I'd run until my ligaments broke like rubber bands and my eyes couldn't see five feet ahead. I'd run until I couldn't hear trains spewing in the air and until my feet crusted over and were padded with dead skin.
I'd run until the air felt different and the water tasted different and the people looked different and until God spoke in different pitch. I'd run until there was no such thing as running, and no one would know how to put me to a stop. I'd run until there were no breaks, no motors, no ink on paper, no paper holding ink, no leather belts holding up your pants, no ties around your neck, no baby occupying your womb, no ice cream cone in your hand, no IV in your arm, no knife to your neck, no bomb in a building, no head-on collision, no bone-breaking falls.
I'd run until the grass was evaporated and the air outside couldn't fill your lungs with such potential.

In THE dark of FUCK

2008-06-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

In the midst of clouded perception and conception and detection, there is found the underlying of what is never said, never though, always felt. There isn't anything put in reverse of what there would never be.
It doesn't make sense.
For reasons I've found by heart, I've sworn to find the darkness through it's very interior being, to find bliss, to find shit, to find blood and death and life and greatness.
Because I can't spend forever in the dark.
So, i hold on to it for dear life, for its very dearness.
I've given it so many tries. It's here! Its hear!

Recently Went to Disney World

2008-05-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

You're remembering back, right?
But no one really knows themselves.
I have these scents stuck in my nose and someone's hands in my hair and I just don't know who they belong to. I'm kissing boys who bleed and cry, but I never mean it.
I'm so stable, but I won't...I can't say anything. Because I'm unstable. I've got the past stuck in my throat. Here, now, never. I've got shimmer on my hands to spread all over drinking glasses. Now, I won't ever drink from them!
Tug it out of my hands, of my stomach. I want to give it away, but I'm so attatched, so unavailable. You're so far away, but I'm trying to get further. To whom I address is your pick, not mine.

You don't have a mailing address and I can't even feel if you're lying. I don't mind if you lie, I have so much I won't ever tell you because you'd hate it, or you'd love it, and you would consume it, and I have an issue with letting these things go as planned.
So, what do I really need? Well, what do you really need? I need to stand on the edge of something. I need to be scared, but you need to be stable. I have the past stuck in my throat and I'm...
I'm going to swallow it!
As far as hands and havens go, they're one in the same and I'll be announcing how much I miss them. No, do not miss them!
Would I like to touch you? Would you care how my skin really felt? Would you care to touch the sunburn behind my leg and ignore the awkward placement of my hips?
Would you wait for me? Would you force me? Would you push me along? push me back? stop? I've got this shimmer on my hands, enough to spread around where it shouldn't be.

2008-04-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

Funny.

10/30/90 (child)
brown hair
brown eyes (I lie on my driver's license.)
5' 5"

I've got a ways to go.

(m) Emory

2008-03-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

You see how right things have fallen?

There are deep impressions in places that I need to find, because I can feel them, but I can't find them. I love the exploration, and your face so close to mine.

I hate that everyone thinks that it's over. It's crumbled! It's your redemption, but redemption will quickly fade, and fading is such a long, drawn out process that no one ever gets into, but talks about. The world is going to be spinning, and you'll be living, I'll be living. There are many hearts, but only one that I'll be calling to.

The whole thing about this time is that I won't be finding a reason to go. I've always been looking for that reason, and always blaming someone else for it. I hate it.

It's over!

I love the feeling! It's a rain that I've never had before. It's a washing away that I never saw coming, and it's the redemption that I never knew could be.

And maybe I'll never know.

I used to want to be the first to know, but now, I don't ever want to know. I won't ever know.

There are times that I sit and I watch the gray walls and how they change in my eyes from what they have been. I wonder about the times that I stared at them with no purpose, and the difference in looking at them now. Their gray falls onto the floor and I wait for it to find me, and I laugh.

These walls, they know so much more than I ever will. They're laughing at me. It's a tune that I'm sleeping to.

No telling how many times I sat and I've cried for the things that I'll be persecuted to, and there have been so many times that I was alone for it. Now, you just whisper that I can do it, and I can make it. To stay. To watch the moon, to wait for you, to stay with you, to be with you, to cry with you, not to look at you.

"I close my eyes and sometimes see you in the shadows of this smoke filled room."

There's no telling how many times that I told myself how gone that I was, but I've been here.

And you were here too.

And now we can walk on. We have places to go. We have things to find that we haven't been able to see.

"Holding hands with you when we're out at night...well, this is just the beginning. We're already wet and we're going to go swimming."

It isn't to say that it's going to be perfect. It's just to say that what is going to come is always going to be.

Do you think you'll be able to?

2008-02-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

Look to your left more often
I realized just the other day
How long it's been since I
Broke down and I had to tell
myself sorry for my lack of
baptism, of building back up
from my falling out, from my
breaking down.
I need to look to the left
because last week I found how
much balance I've lost, how
much I've fallen wrong.
Really, how do I run
to you, to Truth, when
I put up stone to hit
fortitude?
Water changes to vapor
while I fade with it to
the top, to ever-existant
non-existance to watch. And
I love it. Not you.

TAKE ME HOME, I KNEW IT

2007-11-14T00:38:00.000-08:00

And they said...

"And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself
and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse"

You have to have the opposite to bring out the opposite.
Black cannot be black without white. There can be no light wihtout darkness.
No one knows bad without the good.
There could be no me without you.

With my eyes swollen like this, I think of something.
Maybe, this something is justifiably wonderful. Maybe, it's unjustifiably dark.
I've walked all these paths before, except this time, I'm scared to see it.

There could be no me without you.
If I could, I know that I would.

Held Responsible

2007-10-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

"...she fell in love in the first place."

It's the general motif, don't you think?

I'd been falling, but I had never seen it happen. My tuning for self awareness had been off. I had given up before I even found where it was I had even left off. There are no specifics, no correct space. I can see myself falling for some false intentions of meaning.
"For the life of me, I cannot remember why we'd ever die for these sins..."
There is this darkened area about my anatomy I do not even recognize sometimes.
"We never talk of our lack in relationships."
I cannot even get the correct, simple aesthetic of the fundaments of my heart. I've grown acquired to the ones that go higher, then expire.
I am going crazy over nothing because that is what has always gotten to me all this time: NOTHING.
You are not the only one who has been shot down and attacked.
I hope that you find compassion and forgiveness, and I hope that you are aware of your inside demons. I hope that you hold things frustratingly dear. I hope that you let someone in with you, and I hope that they mean everything to you. I don't mean just the words, I want someone to take all of you and that they consume you in every lovely way that they could.
I'm splattered about the walls, but "the talk" never came. You cannot unlearn things.
I give myself restrictions that I do not follow, rules that I always break, and maps that I never use.
Just care! Just try! Just want to know me! Just tell me!
Just...just something.
It's simply pathetic because you don't have to mean it.
Just nothing.

I am crying all alone in my car after he hung up, and hung up.
Sometimes, when I cry, I wish that he could see it. I do not really know if it would mean anything. It isn't my vanity that drives that. Maybe I'm too detached.
Your exaggerated display of testosterone kills me. It doesn't make sense. It's defected and it's counterproductive.
Your narcissism! It screams, demanding everything of me, and I am tired. (There is a difference between being simply nice and being sincere.) You justify your crassness by loving me. Your insensitivity is biting, and it's biting deep. This degeneration of me that you thought you had scares you. It never existed!
But there I go just to acquiesce to all of you and what you have to say, no matter how much I don't want to...no matter how much I hate it. I try to ignore the more ignorant of thought, but it makes sense.
I've tried to reinforce this idea, this sense of security and of love, but I will not try to convince you of it. That is enough shock impact for me if you do not believe any of what I say, or if you lack the feeling of it all.
I have a sensitive and nostalgic nature, while you have impeccable taste and a drive to be heard.
It's quaking beneath our feet and it seems we're only shoving ourselves in the cracks.
I'm an advocate for us and our success. There comes a time when this either breaks or makes a person. How much can you handle?
You will see this again. We'll feel it, and it'll hurt all over again, and I'll hate it and you'll fight it and we'll try again.
But I've loved you since that year in July, and that sort of thing cannot happen the way that it did again.

"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. Everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this..."

It's in the stars, and it's in the light, it's written on the table, and in your hands and I'll have to remember: there are things that never change and things that always will.

Here I Am Just Writing You

2007-10-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

Let me remind you of the time we had...
There is a definite way you have that I would love to hate. And I do. I haven't missed my chances. I have too many left.
I guess that is why I hate the way that you are.
In public, I want to put my hand over your mouth.
You do not raise your voice, go out on rants, or even scare me.
You never jump sentence to sentence.
Your thoughts are so organized and rational, honorable and intelligent, and I hate it.
You can't hear wha tI'm saying. Let's just drive on our way. I'm not screaming at you.
We will have to wait for the weekend. Maybe you'll be excited to see me.
I'm awfully peculiar. I feel I should keep on going. I've got this insane laugh. I want to shut up.
The terrible part of it all is that I meant it.
I mean it all. And I know what I want.
I don't make excuses. I just want to get to know you. I misread you.
Time is money, and I am losing it all. For what reason do you know me?
Isn't this the moment that we are all looking for? I cannot give you anything else.
Only myself.
He's not bashful, and he's red, and he's going back to what he knows. Let's throw things.
What a wonderful opportunity to explain the difference between love and sex; intimacy and intercourse. How tastfully done. I do not look at it as faulty and wrong.
I hate it when you say so. I didn't trust him.
If you need the truth, I'm not aware of myself and the intimacy issues.
Oh, but he tries on his innocence.
You can see the battle between what really is and the tricks.
The trouble are the apologies I say for nothing.
The trouble are your broken glasses.
Just like most XY's do.
The blame is going to be on you, not them.
In the end, he's proud. In the end, he has put alot of thought into it. He's been wishing, and he wishes that he wouldn't.
Could be.
What a romantic way to die. It's just playing out like a melodrama. To be suave and nonchalant.
It isn't true, you just don't care.
God, you hate people, but all you do is watch them.
You're playing a part, but it's you.
He does not see himself. He is so unaware.
In the movies, things just work out.
It just doesn't work out for him.
It just doesn't work out for me.
The glass case is on the floor.
The things you love should be able to be held up and be set in your closet. Let the memories be set aside for later visitations.
I just can't. It's not the way it used to be. He's not the same. He never will be. I want to freeze it, and preserve it, but I can't.
Connect it with us. What great memories we have. We need a meseum. I need a part packed away. I save every picture, every plane ticket, every movie stub, because I want to keep that time forever.
But you can't.
And I can't.
It's my way of losing it.
The problem I have...
It's just another one come and gone.
Your life is being made horrible if you can't be killed?
I want to go on. What a melting pot.
Life being such a blend of you and me, and I've got it, for now.
I won't deny what I have. It's not the lowest of low. It isn't as worse than where we came from. It isn't Angel Islands. I accept you for everything.
You can't go home again. You can't go home again.
You won't ever really come back.
And how much are you going to like that record?
Is it your one genuine intimate moment?
"Life avails, not the having lived." Do not recreate these moments. All we have is the present.
He can't find it.
And I realized it from the moment that I was passing by.
It is the predictability of it. There's something comforting in it. But life isn't.
It isn't going to happen that way. It never will.
But there is something genuine about him, and comforting. It just messes with my reasoning.
(For an atheist, you have an awful lot of religious thoughts.)
What sort of reasoning is that? Everybody is going to go up in one big bang, anyway?
We will all die off: the billions of us are on the same schedule.
And it feels right.
For this one night, I felt you. You could hear me.
I couldn't wait to get you alone.
I know what is going on with us.

Here

2007-07-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's starting to feel more like home.

2007-07-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."

This isn't the first time around, and it's ungodly unnerving. I couldn't begin to list all the reasons why, but I feel it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel right.
"Fucking makeup."
It's easy for me to become broken, perhaps just cracked, really, and it's even easier for me to resist you afterwards. And maybe I only resist you for a few hours, few days. I wish I wasn't that way, but I am.
But how are you?
Extreme with your temper, and extreme with your want to make it better. At first, I find it laudable that you feel so guilty, and then you squash it, so I assume that perhaps it was never real?
Maybe I just lack dignity. Where have I been when things fall apart? That's right. I just back away, walk away, drive away.
Oh, well.
I know he doesn't appreciate my abstract way of expressing myself, but I understand. He just doesn't understand, and I also understand it's just because he's been so detailed in expressing himself.
Maybe I don't understand.
I'm never really going to assume I'm completely sure of anything, mostly. It usually makes for what you weren't expecting in the first place.

But my nighttime feelings usually change with my morning ones.

You Don't Have To Call

2007-06-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am done with this, or as done as I possibly can be. I'm living this day, and giving back what it has given to me. I'm not looking for a quick fix, and I know when I do finally move out that everything will not fall perfectly into place. I know this. I won't anticipate these things.
But the independence that would come from it will be a much healthier life style as far as my personal relationships and psychological well being is concerned, though that is sad and a little mechanical and technological to say.
Everywhere I go for the rest of my life, the ones that I care about, they probably won't hear about everything, but I will try to make sure they don't see it from me.
Because I know she won't be living with the consequence of what happens tonight. I'll be getting out of this place with fleeting time.
It's just isn't me to wear what I feel so freely about my sleeve. I know I will be getting lessons of tolerance and perhaps some negotiating skills out of this, but I won't be saying any 'thank you's' for it, as immature it may be of me.

And everything said, I want to love you until I am ninety. Of all the things I've believed in, I believe in you. I frighten myself with reality, because people change. I don't want to change and have to say good-bye because of it. This is it.
This is what I can't live without. This is what I can't see or think without. I suppose I could blame your bright blue eyes, or the freckles about you I've tried to grow familiar with.
Maybe it's that he doesn't know.
I want to simply have him falling with me. Perhaps I'm falling apart. I'm right here. If I opened my eyes now, you'd have to wipe them away.
This isn't how I planned it, but I knew I never really could.
But I never expected you.

"And all she keeps inside isn't on the label...can I be your friend? We'll forget the past...Here and now, will we ever be again? ...She says that love is for fools that fall behind. I'm somewhere between..."

Keep Up

2007-05-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

I could go on with the things that have gone wrong, and the things I could've said better, and the times you didn't have to speak of her. I'd usually swoon and be struck in awe of your voice and how you you place it when you sing half jokingly, and I'd have to speak of how you shine with undeniable amounts of light.
And instead I'll kiss you until I can't pull away. It's just the way the course usually takes. It wasn't any different today.

Cunning Words

2007-05-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

She doesn't get it.
"Does every guy you meet fall in love with you?"
She doesn't get it. She's into the scars, she pushes the space further. She sat and waited in her room, while he waited in his. The older she gets, the continuous time that mockingly ticks on and on laughs. The time pushes itself between wounds; between you; between what it is she waits on. Why does she wait in the first place?
It makes me wonder.
What did he wait for? I hate California, and I hate Texas, and I hate India. I hate everywhere, because we're going to keep running.
I can't believe that it's still hurting like this.
Your voice calms me down. I'm going to be sleeping tomorrow, so you have one more night without me. I'm leaving on a Thursday, and you have plenty of bullets to shoot. Play a video game.
Am I burned? Nah.
I don't get it. I said the same thing, and it said nothing to you.
I'm leaving on a Thursday. Maybe I'm bitter and hateful. Maybe I'll someday get over it. (She's too laid back. We'll jerk it all around.)
I always wished I could somehow exert a moral influence, some kind of influence, with my silence, and instead I just get burned. "...dying of a secret illness or riding on some great accomplishment."
I could suggest a reason, but honestly, I'd have to invent one first.
It's implied that all these things are such necessary evils. I still wonder. I don't know how time has such a role in my memory, in our interpretations of value, and it's necessary. Does it make you hurt? I don't believe time heals all wounds. We still all sat and waited.
Some things are just more evil than necessary.
And then there is the light, and it always has to be hope to somebody; it has to be truth and security.
Light just magnified it all for me.
I'd live with the lights off.
Don't ever tell me that you'd wish for me when you have no intentions of thinking of me tonight, or last night, or tomorrow.
Were you burned that badly?
It is just a validation between two people that we need someone. I feel like apologizing. Apathy. I feel like sleeping. Slipping out of consciousness is to escape.
I have nothing to escape...except maybe the light. Maybe this. Maybe time. Maybe it encourages it.
It doesn't have to mean a thing. It's been way too long.
I could've been the best he ever had.
It's been entirely too long since the time we had.
I feel so free.

No way, you know it's not a secret!

2007-03-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

I could be your girlfriend!

You see, I could take and absorb that pain of yours, and make it mine. And once I've got it...I could let it go.
He steps away, steps out of my car, and is walking away. His turquiose eyes, his honey speckled hair, drifting down the sidewalk...and then he turns back, and laughs. He smiles that perfect smile that he has.
The fancy footing of the course we walk down always finds me stumbling, even slightly.
I have humility to see our imperfections and still, perfection reigns
in the concious thoughts caught in my head
I don't need everything, I didn't need a savior
I don't need blue, or hazel, or green, or brown; I don't need
stubble to trace my finger along
I don't need you
but you gave it to me
We bicker; I cry; you shut down;
we laugh; we share.
I didn't know such things could be legitamite.
the pros and the cons
fall back onto time, odious time underserving of its power.

Only at particular times do I ward off the self-pity is when I feel exhilerated; like I'm all you need, and you for me. Times when we're dangling high on a thread, and that's when self-doubt consumes me.
"As I walked by myself
And talked to myself,
Myself said unto me,
Look to thyself,
Take care of thyself,
For nobody cares for thee."
As proven time and time again, when I fall, I'm scraped up and bruised about, and take a while to heal; patch up; scab. (Though, sometimes, I wish you'd lay with me, and get your lips bloody, and kiss it away...)
But why shouldn't I look out for myself?
Nobody else will.
I'm no pessimist, only nastalgic. I never seem to let things go.
(because not a day goes by I don't think of the ridiculous Violent Femmes and their introduction into my life.)
I separate the pages, I fall back on what could be happening, and I think that I should be able to cry, or be angry.
Here's the problem that I face:
I don't lack depth, but how am I to show it?
And I don't. Tone is nonchalant, and evanescent, you say I have none.
What should I give you?
What I'm feeling exactly?
That would just piss off your senses.
I want all of you
your wrongs, your rights
your coming-of-age, your immaturity
I want the words you think,
your knee-jerk reactions,
I want the tears I'll never see
and the past I'll never know
and when you think ahead, do you see anybody?
Conventional, tiresome.
He can say no.

Argue

2007-02-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

I think that it's love...

tell me that it's love? Maybe.

It's too soon for this, isn't it? hah. Look at me. Look at this.

None of That Seems to Matter

2007-02-03T00:17:00.000-08:00

No, I don't give a fuck about empathy; I don't give a fuck about consideration; I don't give a fuck.
(He knows this street well.)
I think it all up; I think what I want to feel; it's pretend.
(He says that he loves.)
It isn't pretend, but only my wanting of what I think I should feel; what I should have; what I want. Yes, then, pretend.
(He gives me a kiss. He gives me a kiss. He GIVES me a kiss.)
I want those lips more than what is overwhelming, and I still question their sincereity.
(He says that he's sorry that he'd forgotten.)
It's okay. Because I had forgotten too.
I'm not one to try to get you into trouble. I'm not one to demand, and I'm not the kind to expect unrealistic things from you, but I'm not a push-over.
(He laughs at me.)
I want to tell you everything.
What I've gotten into.
What I saw that he's talking about too.
(He says that he supposes that he'll open up to us.)
And so, with another notch notched, another heart opened, another possibilty of something so wonderful, something so drastic and tragic, I listen to the beat of his heart.
And fuck it.
Because who ever thought to listen to mine?
I'm the one that you just shrugged your shoulders at.
(He's the one that you bug out your eyes at. He knows it.)

We sit in a car with a breaking engine
We work at our job with a broken dishwasher
We lust with a broken heart
And you look up at me with the most beautiful of eyes I've ever seen, and you have to look back at my ordinary, not extraordinary eyes.
Perhaps it isn't fair.
Perhaps it's all just "karma".
Maybe just one for the lady...

"An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge."

A Day

2007-01-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

What have I gotten into?
I like your lip, even when it's swollen or pierced

and where are you when I cannot find anything to throw at the past that I find myself looking down at
Just telling me to look up
I'm moving
and so are you.
"She was elusive; she was today; she was tomorrow..."

2007-01-21T01:29:00.000-08:00

As precocious our relationship
(yes)
Never, in the years of kissing I've experimented with
No one ever, ever kissed me with the intentions of proving something; providing something; showing something
"Kiss me like it means something."
Maybe he was pretending to mean it
God, no one has ever kissed me like that.
I'm still in the air
I'm still closing my eyes to it, I'm shaking, I'm half smiling/half trying to breathe
The feel of everything sticks and I cannot think
No one ever kissed me like that.

2007-01-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

Then, I Made New Friends

2007-01-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

Improved My Work Ethic

2007-01-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Cut My Hair

Arizona

2006-12-21T00:08:00.000-08:00

What a gift to end 2006 with.
I cannot wait until the thirtieth.

Something was real and conventional between our mouths that I don't think I ever had, or ever noticed: a validation between two people that we need someone.
Overly used and typically verbalized? Maybe.
I may be wasting breath, maybe it's the wrong thing (again) at the wrong time (again), and I am only wanting this.
There's one last thing though: we don't care. We don't. We don't dwell on what we have to be, or what we will end up, we only say the things that we want.
Sure, we speak for hours of selfish things, of ourselves, or each other, and other times, we laugh.
Who last made me laugh over the phone?
Who last made me red?
Oh, I don't know.

[I just want to be next to you.]
[[...put your hand up.]]
[Okay, it's up.]
[[Now, put your other hand up against it.]]
[Done.]
[[Okay. Now all you have to do is pretend that one is mine.]]
[...it's working.]

But then she cries of how she loves him.

Fuck you. If ever there was a time that I had the will power to strangle myself, I would. I'd squeeze the life out of me, the sort of way you seem fit. (Only words are going to kill me.) If you were to be found an inconsiderate bitch, would you listen? (Only words would save you.)
The intensity burns and fills itself out, bubbling in my chest and shoots through the backs of my legs.
I breath the stench of carelessness from out of your throat, and exhale my fury. I could be the accepting one, but such the insidious, ridiculous nature of our relationship, shockingly, lacks the depth of what I expect from myself.
That blonde hair of yours swirls downward from your orange roots, only proving of your insides that you are red: you are on fire.
To patch things up, I cry. To vindicate yourself, you say you're dying.
Until the act of suffocation occurs, I willfully, unwillingly, scratch until I hit beneath the surface.
I prick you with the needles that I say. I make you cry. I make you splatter.

It was a validation that we all need someone.

"I'll see you next week, hopefully."

cliche and boring

2006-12-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

i like a boy.

If You're Missing Out

2006-11-26T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have the strawberry sundae all over my hands and your hands and your eyebrow and my knees and your neck and it's on the ground and we giggle and we disappear and we laugh and we lick face.
ANd we don't say it.
Unless you say sitting next to each other says it.
It does, does it?
It'll work out perfectly.
We smile a lot.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

Now, upon seeing that no one knows each other's birthday or anything of the like, the whole concept of this particular turkey day is just shot out of the water.
I know Brianne's own grandpa's birthdate, where he grew up, and the sports he played in high school.
Shoot, I don't know that about my own grandpa.
Hell, he's in prison.
Enough for comic relief though, I'm more interested in the finer, more lurid aspect of what I'm getting at (and am I not always a bit dreary?)
Well, if I'm asking for myself to make a point, I suppose I cannot really find one.
"Oh, he likes you."
"Oh, he doesn't even know me."
"Oh, you're not the kind of person you have to know to like."
"Oh, see you later."
"Oh, I had a bad day."
Laying down, gosh, the times I've seen you naked.
But if we're talking reality, no, I never saw you without your clothes.
It's so cliche and boring to hear about, but I love it when you play guitar.
Everything is a cliche, isn't it?
So much for the scheduled paintballing together on Wednesday morning. That's come and it's passed, and I'm sure we won't really talk about it in serious again.
If we do though, I'll kick your ass.

Oh, here's a fun one: monogamy! Marriage!
Clearly, that means nothing to poor ****y because after all the kids and his wife and the job he has to have, he still puts it all on the line for his (much) younger girlfriend, though she probably wouldn't appreciate being dubbed as so.
Of course, I'm not defiling their emotional devotion to one another, girlfriend and Y, but can there be an emotional devotion?
I wouldn't know.

As for here, well, I'm sitting in a double wide, badly remodeled, with pig slop sitting out on the table for everyone, and I honestly couldn't tell you much of the person who made it.
Blood links us together, so we're supposed to be thankful together, and sometimes, I wish that I cared.
Perhaps that deems me a bad person, but I don't.
Sure, I'm thankful for some of the people there.
I appreciate my sister, and brother and his wife.
I'm going on yet again, would you look at that.

So really, here's a rant and a rave of the daily life I have yet to master.
And who am I kidding?

Perhaps, stuck in the corner and crammed under the coffee table, there is that one little part that we forgot that makes up the pieces that we are, and that when others ask, we simply have no answer.
Maybe we've only merely forgotten. Maybe it doesn't exist.

Off to another stanza...

We'll Play Monopoly

2006-11-01T14:53:00.000-08:00

we shivered in the wind
(but together)
go on to bite my hand
imprint me
no need to plead for me to stay
(because, i'll never tell, but I won't ever)
Not soon
(because ever always ends)
I felt it
my hand on your back
and your insides spasming
"no Sarah
don't leave"
Of course, now it's a little comical
but then, I was just making sure your face went into the dirt
not
your vomit
(because your face was only going there or there)
My hand on your back never went away
And then i picked you up
[alcohol poisoning]
couldn't work in the morning
of course
when you smile
I suppose that I just can't see anything else
no one ever had that
kind of thing
i felt you grab my elbows
but a shame..
I never felt the kiss
you gave me

The Nervous Game

2006-10-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

Floating in and out of my memory
Is the feel of your skin
on top of mine
My hands are in yours
Last Friday night
"But if he comes in, we'll have to stop, you know"
Yeah.
Our drunken actions
seemingly reptitious
you and me
(So long as no one sees)
Mouths on your hand
We're not nervous
Just testing our limit

Hungry, That's Really All

2006-10-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

When push came to shove, you showed exactly what you were made of. I saw little glimpses before, little peeks of how fate and the stars would align to reveal such a cotastrophy, so it shouldn't be so lurid and unexpected, but I must admit that I was somewhat blindsided, and now I don't know how to even write you off.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Doesn't mean that I won't.
I never tried to prove anything, did I?

On another, completely unrelated note: I enjoy sitting here with her, thinking of outlandish, optimistic scenes that will probably never be (he).
But, you know, we'll see.

YOUR WAY YOUR WAY YOUR WAY

2006-09-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

I'll always be this way. "Battered and bruised". I hate the terminology, because I'm not in any way batter nor bruised.
I'm all over the place.
I'm so confused and understimulated, and I've been waiting for a while to be able to break out of the way and in to the pool of what I had always thought up.
I thought up all the wonderful and tragic and the sad and the thing about the whole reality of it is that it isn't true.
It isn't even real.
So why do I even use the word 'reality' to begin with?
It doesn't really matter, it matters what I mean, and in a coy and deceptive way, I convince myself that my intentions are pure evil, and I'm not as bad or shameful or inadequate as I sometimes lead on to be (and this is only a side note to myself, because I never had a thought when it came to you or others).
I was in the middle of a flat out badness, a sadness, when I closed my eyes and saw what I had.
And that was something blue, and something green, and something wooden, and something that I wanted so badly, something I didn't want at all, and something that I could feel again.
I couldn't stop that of which I had started, and I kept going.
I was feeling all the things that I told you on the last day.
And then you said it never happened.
It never happened.
And then you took it back again.
You took it back.
YOu took back what it was that you said that you took back that you had so openly excalaimed to me in the first place.
And then you apologized.
I was angry for a while.
I was gone for a while.
THen I was just okay.
I've had to rethink everything that I said.
I guess I miss you.
You said you missed me too.

I guess I can't really go on what anyone says.
I can't go on what I say.
And so I guess words don't mean anything to me.
Except they mean everything...

My Tendencies Usually Get Stuck

2006-09-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

"When you think happiness
I hope you think that little black dress
think of my head on your chest
and my old faded blue jeans"

I have all these photographs, I guess I keep them to remind myself. My memories are the most damaging.
some said that they never knew me. Some say they'll never know me. I say we never had the chance.
It shouldn't be this easy to acquiesce, but here I am, just simply giving in. I went back for the first time, the first time in such a long time, those windows, and how I used to be behind them.
We said that it wouldn't be as long as we thought.
The whole concept, it's not what you're getting or understanding, and I don't think that I'll ever be able to put it together in my vague and frustrating organization, but I do believe that you could walk away with something, something real and tangible, from what I've said.
I can withstand any meeting required, any confrontation, because I did, and I don't mean that I want to again, but I didn't see something that day that I had always thought you had.
I keep dreaming, as much as I hate the word, whimsically dreaming (dreamily dreaming?) and sometimes it turns into a bright nightmare.
Because I find most of my comfort in the dark.
Yes, black, smoky, dark.
Cliched, boring, and skeptical as I may be about it, I miss it.
I love listening to what you thought.
For a while, I could hear your tactics, I could see my own, and I could smell in the air what was to come next.
I don't want to anymore.
Caring is so overlooked. What an underestimated emotion. Because I see now that even after you were knocked down again and again, you still had the care to get up, to live, and care about living.
but I understand why the pictures you drew are taken down now.
There's only so much care a person can have.
And after that, I understand the exhaustion.
In a strange, unannounced way, it's a sad thing to see you and me fade off, off into the field, off into the park, off into the cigarette smoke, off into the theater, off into your room, off past mine, and down the road, and in those double doors, and in class where I met you.
Where it started.
I guess it's appropriate though, isn't it?

That Far

2006-08-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

The little jingle
Triggers immediate reaction
I feel vandalized;
I feel perpetual.
I hope that I’d stop my foolish antics. But damn me, because it isn’t all that foolish.
The thought of it being mutual; being okay; being valid…it seems so unreal.
It seems so out of reach.
Being serious is seriously starting to dawn on me.
“Your mom.”
Tell me what it is that you thought.
Because I think I’m reading more into this.
And I’m not serious.
But maybe, I’m more than you thought.
You’re the one who admitted to the façade.
Your façade.
Would you find it in your heart, anywhere, for someone?
Do I have to give that someone a name?
Do I have to humiliate myself like that?
I’m in your reach
And scoffed at; looked over; put on hold.
(Ceramic braces and a new tan wouldn’t jump at you)
You told me to promise to see you.
“…promise?”
“Well, I am off Friday.”
The clock calls, says it’s too late, and I can’t sleep.
I’d tell you pretty little things if I were to see you…
What’s the last thing you think of before you go to sleep?
The fact that you’re sleeping alone?
Or do you think of me?

2006-08-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

Let's put it this way: ............YAY!

Spin around, thrown down, back up.
Just...
it's nice to see that again. And again.
My post-its help out.
I'll tell you about it sometime.

The Men In My Life

2006-07-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

the old pictures have faded a bit....
..and the corners are torn

...I never was a 'daddy's girl'. Nor a momma's girl, while we're on the whole subject.
But I remember an instance in the house while my parents were going through their divorce one summer (right before their 23rd wedding anniversary, mind you), I was fifteen and my older brother, Ryan, was eighteen at the time, that I found a new parental outlook.
Now, just a side note, but I'm not bashing my parents because I figure they did the best they could, with their dull witted ways anyway, but I'm not an angry kid or anything.
I just remember this being one of the stupid memories, one that made me cry probably too much at the time.
But I know that it happened about 1:45 in the afternoon, and Ryan is screaming downstairs at my dad "go suck a dick in hell": "fuck you"; "slut": you know, all the wonderful things boys do yell at their fathers at one time or another. My nine-year-old sister and her friend were listening from her room, getting their first education on such crude vocabulary. (Strange...I don't remember ever seeing that friend again...)
In the end, Ryan ends up kicked out of the house, banging on the door and still screaming curse words.
Now, we lived in a neighborhood, one with houses everywhere and our neighbors kids were outside riding their bikes, some mowing the lawn, and others just driving by.
...in the end, I spent two hours cleaning the house on my dad's order (my mother was gone at the time) and all the while he was spouting off how unhappy he was with life, with his wife, with his children, and how I was screwed when it came to going to school, being that I didn't know where I'd be living when my mother moved out.
Anyway.
SOmehow, after my mother came home, we ended up with a broken phone, dialed 911, Ryan got back into the house, yanked my dad up out of a light sleep, cursed insanely loud once again, and threatened murder.
And in the end, I remember myself getting shoved out of the house by my dad after Ryan left. I was petrified.
And the reason?

.......I couldn't tell you why he kicked me out, except that he was just full o' rage.
I still don't answer his call the times that he does try to call my phone. How immature or not that is on my part, I don't know.
It'll probably get me in a regretful and guilt ridden situation. That's just how my luck flows.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.

You Won't Ever Be Lonely

2006-07-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

And I'm sitting out on the bench and my jeans are smelling like chlorine. My shirt is dripping. My hair is drying, and it's lopsided, my cow lick accented nicely. And to be honest with you, I put my shoes far away on purpose.
You put it in the best way possible. I heard myself thinking, and you were too. There was something between us that shouldn't have.
It felt so right. I was just waiting.
I couldn't feel anything except the thoughts of how I wish you would just go for it. I was reading you exactly how you were; and I didn't even know it.
It seemed right, and I wanted it to be.
But we both knew that it wasn't.
...
And it's too bad you just happen to be every other guy. I put you up on a pedalstool, and what a mistake.
I hung on every little thing.
It's too bad that you're just every other guy.
"Tell me something."
ANd what is that you want me to tell you?
That you're everything I want?
No.
No no.
I don't trust you to fall back on.
I promise, it seems, you won't ever be lonely.
I thought that I never wanted anything in your vision. I never wanted you in my vision. I thought that knowing what you were thinking was my problem. I figured you out, and still, why is it so...
...And I was thinking, and I got terribly mad, and you called, and I still was, and you tried to feed me something delicious, and I took it.
I could never tell the real thing from the splenda.
And I'll never know if you meant it or if you just said it.

I think I may give up on the whole, you know, you thing.
It seems the smartest of things.
hah.
YOu're entirely too much.

This TIme

2006-07-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

I needed to hear all the things that I wanted you to say.
I wanted to hear all the things that you needed to say?
The pictures are foggy
and I still have them uploaded.
You know that maybe I had something to say. We couldn't hear it. I keep dreaming that I'll finally say the right words in the right rhythm.
I was too worried to let it go.
And so I was the coward that I envied in my misguided intentions.
But you know.
I wanted to be all the things no one could say. (you couldn't say)
I woke up in a pile of dirt.
I woke up on a swing set after dark.
I woke up to your cologne.
And then I started drifting back.
And then I decided not to wake up anymore.
You decided you weren't going to say goodbye.
Who was I to wait?
The thought lingered in my throat, and it still does, because there's a conscious part of me that will aimlessly roam.
Anatomy failed me. Wasn't there supposed to be a heart?
Wasn't I supposed to be able to use my brain?
And the paths crossed, and I did away with both.
I heard what I was saying. I couldn't.
I couldn't say what I was saying. And I didn't.
And because time is just our imagination
I'll do away with what I had imagined.
Cigarettes linger in the air and I hate it.
I hope you drink alcohol, to let it go.
Because I can respect such idiocy compared to what we both have been doing.
This.
It's too bad I never had much rhythm.
And no drum to dance to.
Keep breathing, because you don't need me to tell you.
I'm not leaving anymore.

Army Letters ( # 4 )

2006-07-06T01:02:00.000-07:00

I got Snake's fourth letter today. Perhaps not the most romantic of all things, but it is a little blast from the past to talk through letters.
The difference in today is that there was actually a return address on the envelope.

Sarah, 30JUNE2006

Okay, well whoever said that we can't write or call for three weeks is full of...We finally have our permanent address and we got to basic today. We were briefed last night for two hours for boot camp. This morning we carried our bags and aligned them accordingly. After we ate we lined up next to our bags and they piled us up in these things that resemble horse trailers. The drill sergeants are freaking loud and not to freaking mention that we arrived at basic five days early so, instead of nine weeks we get ten and the drill sergeants didn't get a break in between the last privates that graduated today so they are taking it out on us. Boot camp freaking sucks. I got sent back to the end of the lunch line because I wasn't side-stepping. So, basic doesn't actually start counting until next Friday, which is good and bad for us. Good in the sense that we will be ahead and bad because the drill sergeants are pissed (we're not too ecstatic about the whole thing either) so we are going to get a lot of shit...

01JULY2006

I got cut off last night, didn't have time to finish. Today was easier, the didn't yell and the female drill sergeant took us to get Gatorade. We cleaned all three stories of the building that we are staying at. A lot of us hid in the lockers or bathrooms to get some sleep. (hah!) I'm beginning to hate the words "Front Leaning Rest Position" (push-ups). We should graduate around the first couple of weeks of September.
I miss you, I cannot wait to see you and hear from you. I love you. We get to call on Sundays. Do you think that you'll be able to make it to graduation? Let's hope so.
And I'll keep sending you letters, don't worry. I love you! (Sorry, but I can't be even more lame) I almost (but I held back) wrote "I Love Sarah" all over my stuff like everyone used to back in junior high. I'm totally joking. ...Or am I? I'm not, dammit how gay am I? I have to get ready for bed. I miss you.

Love,
Jake

The whole concept of communication via letter blows my mind, seeing as how so much communication I'm used to is electronic. (Rather, communication that everyone is used to, even living under a freaking rock, is electronic.) I almost forgot how to put pen to paper.
I've been keeping together well. And there was alcohol tonight, and given the circumstances, I could have definitely drowned my 'sorrows', but I think I'm starting to get over the whole 'acting drunkerer than you really are'. Not that that classifies me as mature, but http://otherpeoplespizza.blogspot.com totally gives my explanation.
I've been keeping in touch with Snake's mom a lot here lately. Hopefully we can go out to dinner here soon. We'll see.

"That Ain't No Way To Go"

2006-07-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't really done a lot of thinking lately. Throwing myself into work really keeps my mind off things. "Things". I don't know why I refer to you as "thing".
I do have this Wednesday off. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing with myself.
But never fear: if I cannot work, I shall sleep.
It's the only guaranteed way I can't rationally think it all over, at any rate.
My dreams haven't been taunting me lately.
I wish you could tell me what you were thinking lately.
Lately, I'd readily tell you what I was thinking.
I'm being honest.
Would you like to think about five years from now? Or ten? How about twenty?
Oh, how the time will fly by too fast.
Don't raise up hell.

And tomorrow: new pay roll. I have a nice check waiting.

Appropriate

2006-07-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

"....the drinking bone is connected to the party bone and he won't think it's funny...."

I went with Snake's mom and sisters to the fireworks show at Lake Ray Roberts. Definitely had a good time.
Of course, with this little sun allergy business I get, I fully expect to blow up tomorrow.
That'll drive people out from buying food from me tomorrow.

The Horrible Irony

2006-06-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

I told myself to never wait again. I told myself monogamy wasn’t enough. That love was a figment of the cruel imagination, and I was either going to end up loving too much or just not enough. I said that the balance would never be there.
I told myself that I was mistaken when I saw depth in a stranger’s eyes, and that there was no such thing. I told myself that eyes were just that, eyes, and that there was a pupil and things to attach them, but that there was no window I could see through. The eyes were no more than eyes.
I said that I wouldn’t be condemned as someone’s passing time. I told myself I wouldn’t give up on that. I didn’t think with my heart after so long. My heart was beating on the left, after all.
I said I was wrong. My head was all wrong. Invalid. Everything.
Everyone said to let go of you, because you would come back.
I told them.
I told them I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking away.
Of you watching those elevator doors close.
I couldn’t watch you. My vision was blurred.
I told myself I’d never wait again.

“Just come home.”
“I want to. More than anything…”
“I know…”

And I’ve got the good and bad days. There are the days when I can accept that you’ll be gone for a while. There are those bad days when I feel like you’ll never be coming back, though I know that is completely untrue.
Writing through letter is depressing, now that I’m used to all the communication we had.
I never had the right timing. I never had the right person.
Am I waiting?
Would that be what you classified this as?
Because I’m not using you as a past time. I’m not stalling.
Am I waiting?
Anything you want from me is something I’d give up. I don’t understand?

“You’ve got your whole life to do something, and that’s not very long.”

And WHY do I feel rushed? There is no rush.
Perhaps there is.

(you) hugged (me) back
And I never met you half way. You went, one hundred percent.
I didn’t call you.
You were the one. One hundred percent.
I backed away while you were stepping forward.
And it will never be because I was trying to subtly hint that I did not want to be yours. It will always be because I am insecure at the amount of myself I will give to a person, remotely close or not.
This isn’t anything new.
The mass has been hurt by another person in a way that may never bring them back to their selves before ever again, and I’m not saying I’m not myself.
But maybe I can’t give you all of myself?
Maybe not now.
I always wanted to try.
I did want to apologize. You have been so giving.
While I was, unrelentingly, hiding.

I was the one to talk. I was the one to always ask the questions.
Only because I never knew how I could ever answer if you were to ask me.
So I tried to keep it all low key.

ABC

2006-06-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

And I'm getting up at the ass crack of dawn in the morning because I'm watching Snake shipping off, being sworn in, telling him good-bye to boot camp. Nine weeks. Then off to 14 weeks of something that I'm ashamed I cannot think of the name of. Oh, the army.
And it's okay. Nine weeks isn't that long...

Too long.

During the fourteen weeks, he'll be close to home. Just a couple of hours away. Boot camp, of course, is close to nothing. Letters. Period. End. But those fourteen weeks will be 3423589 percent more free.

But then, what after that?

AFRICA?!

Oh gosh, I laugh at that Snake, now, because twenty-three weeks is plenty of time to avoid the whole thought, as we did this. I don't find it as a bad thing though.

Tomorrow, I will be a mess. Guaranteed.

Entirely Too Appropriate

2006-06-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

Would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way
Well, he opened my eyes to a world beyond
That impossible dream I was living on.

And I thank my lucky stars each night
When you're in my arms and your holdin' me tight
I realize what it means to have your true love
I would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way.

And I thank my lucky stars each night
When you're in my arms and your holdin' me tight
I realize what it means to have your true love
When I look back on my life before
How my heart got shattered with a slammin' door.

I see how it all had to be for the two of us
Oh, the river of tears that flow from my eyes
Was only moving me on to this paradise
I would've never found you if he had wanted to stay
Oh, he hurt me bad in a real good way...

Patty Loveless

Timid

2006-06-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit guarded when it comes to writing.
About you.
Because you're new. And all of that was old.

. I told you. I've had the bad. The worst? Perhaps not, but I know what the bad is. ANd you are not.
I'm going to try my best to filter out what until I have what I need to say.

I like it because we're taking it easy.

What I Used To Say

2006-06-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

If he believes
that she wants those nights back
just know that that was
tears ago
She sees she's going in circles
because she's spotted him in the same
hopeless, lovely spot
a million times before
His face is now gone and
merely fuel for her memory
Her RSVP is never returned
and she does not know where to
find him
And she's finally prepared herself (as much as one could) to hit the floor on rock bottom...hard.

5-4-05
...She then turned to me saying, "he doesn't know that you are coming to visit him. So, I obviously don't have a picture to give him like he asked, but I think you yourself would probably be better appreciated." She then giggled and butterflies set in my stomach.
He was free for five hours.
I really did have a good time, even when his mother and sister got into their spat.
I like him, he really is a good guy. He doesn't deserve to be where he is, but I hope it is all working out smoothly for him. God, I hope so.
I think Macy is truly unaware of what all she had with him because he felt so deeply for her and was so committed. All she had to do was say 'go'.

"there are voices of elders
who seem to do no more
than damn us
to our childish ways
for in so many households
wisdom
no longer comes with age"

And I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. I don't know how you condemn it. The trauma such experience brings is irreversible, though it does happen. Perhaps I disassociate myself from the actual situation much too often. Get it over with. Call it what you want. I don't want to do that anymore. I suppose my innocence wasn't lost or taken. But merely covered up by crap and garbage. Weighed down by your thoughts. Remember that night? I don't know what you recollect. You were drunk too much. I don't know if you remember what I said. I know you knew the morning after. Maybe you didn't?
the months after still have me confused. I never wanted to see the real world. I was always up for bench warming. This is how accidents happen. I hate your impaired judgment. (Was your sediment impaired?)
I honestly do not know why I suddenly remember. I forgot about it (((forced it away from memory))) after it happened. I remember the four visits concerning it. The crying. The anger. The shock. The shock. The shock.
It broke my heart.

Oh gosh, those words are so long ago. The memories are so long ago. I feel a little renewed, though I am aware I'll feel the same again soon, and then after that.
Happily renewed, happily new.
New in some dimension, at any rate.
I am worth while now, and I know it. I have someone who is important to me in a manner that I never knew.
I have something that isn't hushed. I have something that is legitimately mine. And it's okay. And it's lovely. And I cannot wait until twelve hours (perhaps thirteen?) from now.
And I know I will soon crash a burn for a while.
And then I'll put up and shut up and move along with the current of things. The up, the downward spiral, and being thrown back up to the surface again.
And I'm glad I'll be with you through it.

"She needn't steal your heart
if you give it to her
the cops and robbers
of your childhood
neglected to teach you
such simplicity."

2006-06-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

It's true
My hair was wet
My face was bare
The night wasn't exactly young
but we sure made it
we may not be too experienced
but we own it
the feeling I never had felt
Care
Under your fingertips, it's where I like to be
I'd love to listen to your heart beat
and feel it under my hand
the dimmed lights we shared together
wasn't something I wanted to end
Those broad shoulders of yours
your focused eyes on mine
falling asleep beside you
the accidents we fall into
...
Three weeks today.
It's okay.

Until You Fall Asleep

2006-05-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

I never meant to miis it
I guess I just never "got it"
I didn't know what you wanted to hear
But maybe it's just me
....I would like to say
{and I mean it so honestly}
that everything I said and did
wasn't just me being decieving
{wow, I'm a bit rusty}
And perhaps someday
You'll let me in again
....it isn't my place to say
And the miles that have always separated us
...
It's..just..

Remember those times?
How could you ask if I cared?
How could you even wonder?
I won't ask anything of you
I'm trying real hard
the flashes
of color
in black and white
the hat you wore once (a lot)
my drawn picture
the writings we wrote for each other
the friend I had
I know I said I wouldn't ask
but will you stay?
Are you going to leave?
And if you did, I'd nothing but understand.
I fear the expression on your face.
I fear what it is you have to say .
These words might as well be shattered.
I can't think clearly
I cannot say what it is that matters.
And the problem two months ago arises now
I don't know what to say
ANd you may not even want to hear it
I still can understand what you're thinking
I used to be able to hear it
I know how scared you were
I know how much you wanted it to work

but I never did take everything to heart.
And I'll blame it on me being cynical.
It wasn't your fault that I was hurt.
It still isn't.
I didn't take what you said and value it for it's actual worth.
I apologize.
Only recently have I been coming around.
It was never your fault for what he did.
And you are the one whom I emotionally maimed.
And now I'm that girl that messed you up for a while.
I never wanted to be.
I'm sorry.

From what I've found, we've both found someone new. Someones who make us happy. Maybe someday we can be those crazy friends again.
Maybe someday we'll get over what happened to both of us, at any rate.

Catch you later.

Promise

2006-05-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
because its cold outside cold outside its cold out side
share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that your scared like me so
let's pretend were alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know we're unprepared
but I don’t care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don’t tell me that I am the only one that’s vulnerable
impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
in't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
and its true I cant go on without you
your smile makes me see clear
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
please don’t tell me that I am the only one that’s vulnerable
impossible

slow down *boy, you're not going any where
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more, you never know what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone, I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need

--Secondhand Serenade

2006-05-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

Marcie and Me at Graduation. I'm still all sad about it. Gawly......

2006-05-30T12:24:00.001-07:00

Last day of school, sporting my busted lip with Brianne. Ahh, it's kinda sad.

2006-05-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

Adam and Me, some of the last pictures I've got from school.

2006-05-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

Kelly and me coming back from Austin, still.

2006-05-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, what I can do with Nico's hair. Still in Austin.

2006-05-30T12:21:00.001-07:00

Brianne, Adam, Me, Austin. Of course.

2006-05-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

Marcie and myself on the way back from Austin.

2006-05-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Austin

2006-05-30T12:19:00.001-07:00

Ahh, how we spent Prom Night.

2006-05-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

2006-05-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

A little back-side action

2006-05-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

merry-go-round, tops the night off

2006-05-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

2006-05-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

Brianne says 'get that shit off me, sucka'.

2006-05-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Brianne. anti-prom. woo

Midnight Sun

2006-05-29T01:52:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the second line that got me most.
Nor the seventh.
It was your last line.
It was that one that made my throat tighten, burn.
Sorry for still speaking of it.
I'll try to make this my last.
Who knows.

Yesterday

2006-05-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

Then there was a feeling of indifference and I stopped and I waited.
The day before I cried but this time it just didn't faze me the same way.
It wasn't ever the way I thought.
And I will be big enough to take the blame.
I will admit that I never knew it meant so much to you.
I never knew I meant so much.
And maybe I'm writing to dead space. I'm not going to call your bluff.
I wouldn't ever.
The words I have don't mean enough.
It baffled me.
I don't know why it's different today.
Yesterday, I didn't know how deep you went. I didn't understand.
Only yesterday did the realization come that you did care for me in such a way.
And you don't have to ask me not to call. I wouldn't.
I couldn't.
I don't know what tore it, but I never did patch us up.
I promise not to wave when I do see you.
Yesterday, the thought hurt.
Yesterday, I thought it all through.
I'll avoid everything you haven't said.
I'll avoid your name. The thoughts. The dreams. And then the memories.
The memories.
I can't say I will stop reading. I just won't.
Perhaps you'll stop writing writings I could be in on, at any rate.
But I'm going to keep on jumpbling the words in their
distorted song.
Maybe hope, but know you will not be reading along.
Yesterday, my heart sank.
Yesterday, my eyes did sting.
I don't know what happened today.
I suppose I'm okay with it.
I'm not.
I'll busy myself for a while. Yesterday, I swore I wouldn't get over the fact I let it all go.
Today, maybe something new will come.
Maybe not.
I have nothing but good to say about you.
Yesterday, it hurt.
Today, it does too.
THe only difference in today and yesterday is that today
I know what to do.

I can't listen to Dave Matthews anymore. You should probably know why.
Peace out

Cheers

2006-05-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Here's to you
you, the someone that I once knew

2006-04-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

DOn't mess with Memphis...

2006-04-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Leanne, Carissa, Kelly, Meagan, and myself celebrating Kelly's birthday at the Rain Forest Cafe...WOOT!

2006-04-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

Carissa...Bottoms up

2006-04-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Carissa, representin' UNT, our FABULOUS waitor who was just fine to look at (even when he spilt all our drinks on Meagan), and the Birthday Girl Kelly!

2006-04-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

Me, Kelly, Leanne

2006-04-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Meagan and Leanne

2006-04-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

Meagan and (half) of Leanne

2006-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Burfday girl and myself

2006-04-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

Dueces to go out on...

I'll Mention The Bitter Misintentions

2006-04-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

The brain of mine that scatters with yours comes to the conclusion of being pushed over because I'd rather you step all over me and drag me through mud and hit me harder and push me farther than to belly up and fight back because I don't fight back because I am not weak it's that I don't have a care to collide with your words because it is a mess up in my brain anyway and you are irrational but because of the seniority of the birthdate you see it as your upper hand but I've seen so much more than you'd want to and I heard the sounds of no more oxygen and I felt despair of being morally wounded and I saw the hurt in peoples eye and you cannot say much more than your 'paper heart is oh-so broken' because you are the judgmental person you say you hate so I guess it is sad to hate but because you are dense as you are...
I apologize for the mess and scatter of my brain that the words happen to be in but sometimes it's okay and I don't need to explain myself to you; I don't ask that of yourself
...And off to another stanza would be how much I wanted to take the feel of those hands into mine and into my hair and onto my shoulder and I wanted to see you look at me that way you did just once and it comes down to me listening to you and I'll try to make you look my way because I'd like to read your eyes and feel your reaction and watch your sound and touch everything you won't say so I can hear what it is that you're too bashful to reverberate and it doesn't make any sense but I don't want you to understand because you'll remember the words you never understood or at least I do and you don't have to remember because I'd tell you to if I wanted you to store it but it is true that I want to follow through with the things we said but I barely show it only nonchalantly but you hint so loud at what you want but is there such a thing as subliminal messages because I don't think I believe in them it's that I fall too hard but I am supposed to be independent so I won't show it for the sake of keeping up with the reputation because I'm never sure the limit of the depth I can go but I still think of how nice it'd be for me to be the image that comes throughout your broken conscience but now I know that you aren't thinking of the no one's thoughts and it's nice to know I can stop pretending we aren't pretending

Split (no shock to the masses)

2006-04-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

I know I'd have preferred they went through with it thirteen years ago.
I'm learning how to forgive.
I wish I could just show them how to live.
It's bullshit now, and everytime I think of a cheater
I think of them
My eyes are always greener when I cry.

I Cannot Sleep

2006-03-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

3-14-06

He doesn't touch me, not anymore. I see him, I watch him touch others. And sometimes "people don't do things because they don't want you to know that they want to do them". Right? I mean, that is a complicated way of going about things. But it is true, isn't it?
Is that the case?
I don't think he'd put that kind of effort into not doing something. And maybe I take things too far.
He called tonight and we talked for a long while. He asked me to come over. We laughed at what the other said and we're easy to talk to.
But he doesn't have to know anything about my feelings. He doesn't ask, anyway.
He doesn't ask like he used to.
Is it because he has a desired answer about my feelings? Has he lost interest in them? Or does he know?
There are strange things, sometimes, strage theories he leads me to.
But tonight I wish to forget about them.
...Yes! Yes! I'd love to meet up with you at your place. Yes! Yes!
He doesn't touch me anymore.
I do not touch him anymore.
Maybe there are two seperate explanations.
Maybe we share the same.

I Fall Back On No One

2006-03-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

...therefore, my back has grown pretty tough.

Simply put, I don't expect things. I don't say that everything is completey skewed and terrible.
More close to home, I don't throw knives at people. I dont cut my wrists, then wear t-shirts.
My life isn't over because of a stupid boy whose mind was clouded because of his damn penis.
And it's funny, because lately I've been holding my own hands, just to feel what it's like again.
When everything's wrong, I ask why. I even ask you.
I laugh. I laugh inappropriately, and it may seem offensive, like that one time.
I don't sympathize once you fuck up again. My feelings aren't hurt when you don't call back.
I like my friends. I like a lot of people who aren't my friends.
I'm not going to call you. It's one of my annoying quirks.
Sunflowers. Not roses....Sunflowers. Yes.
I can comprimise. Things don't have to be onesided.
You have to comprimise. Things can't be onesided.
No one will be the center of my attention, life, or dreams.
I don't expect to be yours either.
I've learned from the mistakes I've made, and I am trying to put that to good use, now.
"Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along like I know you do"
I'll laugh at you when you don't want me to.
You can laugh at me too.
We aren't restricted.

Auto

2006-03-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

Gaps. I want. I don't want. They want. They don't want. And it never matches up and it's always one or the other. Forget, but never forgive. Or something.
I'd like to be charmed by the single life. Funny thing, though?
I'm not.
More than being with someone else, I'd want to be content in being alone. But I romanticize everything anyway.
I'd love to get out, but I haven't been let go. I haven't let go. This present is bitter and I don't know how to make it better.
I do not want words. I had weigned myself off of them, off of yours, and please, don't think that it was easy. You see it. We are both knowing we're alone. WE both know what it's like to want. To lust, perhaps is all it is? But you have said it, and I tried not to listen, I tried to stay from ear shot. But trying failed and we're here. Either way though, we're not accepting. It's just kind of spoiled now, and words are the only thing I know that could make it sweeter, but I don't' want words, I said from the beginning. But the words that you do speak you don't exactly whisper, and usually they are more blunt than charming but...Are they nothings? It isn't hard for me to dream your intentions, but I'd want you to confess they were just misconceptions you erected on purpose for me to misinterpret. I guess you don't miss what you never had; what you never knew; what you never asked for. I try to help it, but I watch you from away and hope you know it.
I always wonder if you'll every discover me while doing the same.

But then I throw water on myself and think of how great it'd be to just be friends.
I think of being together and see that I don't actually take to the idea.
I like how right now, it doesn't make sense.
I like how, right now, I'm going with you to nowhere and it's a pretty sight onto the thin air and no words.

Shoot Me In The Eye

2006-02-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

The weekends are strangely sweet at this time of day.

The Dreaded Handshake

2006-02-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

I stood at the balconoy of the stairs.
I knew that car. I know that car wasn't parked at my place.
I looked out the peep-hole of the front door, and the sun was glaring so I couldn't tell who it was.
And it was.
.......
I stood out there, and he stepped closer and I still don't know if last nights' moon was full or waxing or waning, but either way, it was big, and it was bright, and he was stepping closer and I couldn't stop it, I didn't want to, and there he was.
There he was shaking my hand goodnight.
"The dreaded handshake."

"Oh gosh, please don't tell me this is the dreaded 'I hate you' handshake like you see in the movies."
"No...I was thinking of this more as..."

I was hoping he'd do it. Just a little bit closer.
And of course, I'm too bashful, so I had to wait for him.
And there it was, delivered to me, and I delivered it back.
The kiss.

I Miss Breezy-Anne already...

2006-02-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

There's something going on tonight.

Depreciating Value

2006-01-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

You've always wanted the last word, and you want it now too, only it doesn't matter to me anymore. If you want it so bad, you can have it. Does me not caring make it less important to you? Probably not. I'm wishing you to be smaller.

2006-01-15T17:48:00.000-08:00

Homecoming, 2006: Ryan and myself hanging around. Woot, woot.

2006-01-15T17:46:00.001-08:00

Fred sashing up Jorge, and Cordie goofing around with me.

2006-01-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

Jorge and myself sashes and crown in place. heh

'But That Green Dress Left Its Mark'

2006-01-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

I can take a few hits now and then. I can take a few bruises to my emotions, and it’s okay with me. It’s funny, because it’s like I want to be ‘with’ someone, with this one person, and I don’t. But I’m not forcing any of my smiles. I’m not going to cry over feeling as if I have to be fake or insincere, because I don’t feel like that. I’m having such a great experience; I’m having such a time relying on myself. That said, I still wanted some drastic actions with him last night, but I’m not going to act on it. The lips weren’t mine, and gosh, I know I wouldn’t have wanted that. I don’t like that you’re unpredictable.
I’ve been hugging a lot of people lately. I’ll probably catch a cold, but I’m okay with it. I’ve got a lot to say, and I’ll say it, just not all at once. Well, I take that back. I probably won’t be saying it all. But that’s not what gets me.
It’s pretty humbling to know that people want to give me a hug. I like those people. I like being hugged and being alone. And ‘alone’ sounds so negative and tragic, but it hasn’t been for me. I’m not lonely. I don’t want any kind of significant other, and I’m trying to convince my animal instincts into this as well.
I’m just that kind of girl. I’m gold; I’m a cubic zirconium; I’m platinum, I didn’t know what that meant. I’m just Sarah, and I’m not your girlfriend.
But I wanted to be for a while.
I think you knew this, found this out, caught on, but your ego has been amazing and I don’t want you to give yourself credit for this.
I’m not going to bruise your ego though either.
There you go.

Sleeping Alone

2005-12-31T04:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not good when it comes to dating and I'm not good at letting someone know that I'm interested in them or that I'm not interested and I often take too much time and thinking over how I could avoid hurting someone in the emotional type and sometimes I don't care and sometimes I don't want to go to sleep even though I'm tired and sometimes I can't go to sleep even when I'm tired and sometimes I go on for no apparant reason but to get the point across to myself that I am hopelessly befriending and unfriending and I'm cold and I want a blanket to make the cold go away and I want to go outside and I don't want to go to sleep alone but I am okay with sleeping alone but it'd still be nice if I weren't and I want to sleep but I can't sleep but I can sit and think it all over.

For a While, at Least, She and I Were in Love

2005-12-23T00:45:00.000-08:00

SHe: I wish I were her.
He: WHy?
She: Because it would be nice to have someone feel that way about me.
He: You've never been in love?
She: Not even close.
He: And no one's ever been in love with you?
She: Men always want to fuck me, but no one has ever loved me.
He: I don't believe that.
She: It's true.
They stare.
He: If it makes any difference, I don't want to fuck you.
She laughs
She: Thanks
He: I think you're beautiful, but I wouldn't fuck you because when we were done, I wouldn't want you to feel fucked. I would try to make love to you, and I would probably be clumsy and awkward, but when it w as over, I would want you to feel loved.
She smiles
She: Thank you.
He smiles.
He: Thank you.

I listen to the tick of an unseen clock marking moments of time long passed. It makes me the tick and it holds me and it carries and keeps me like the slow swing of a pendulum before the eyes of an idiot. The WOrld has stopped not like before and not in a good way. It has stopped and is not going forward the same way my life has stopped and is not going forward. It is not going forward or backward or anywhere at all it has just stopped. It has just stopped.
The clock holds me nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. There is nothing else but now and the shifting depth of night. I sit at a table alone smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and listening and surviving. I should not be here or anywhere. I should not be breathing or taking space. I should not have been given this moment or anything else. I should not have this opportunity again to live. I do not deserve it or deserve anything yet it is here and I am here and I have it all of it still. I won't have it again. This moment and this chance they are the same and they are mine if I choose them and I do. I want them. Now and as long as I can have them they are both precious and fleeting and gone in the blink of an eye don't waste them. A moment and an opporturnity and a life, all in the unseen tick of a clock holding me nowhere. My heart is beating. The walls are pale and quiet. I am surviving.
--James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Walking In...

2005-12-21T02:45:00.000-08:00

So, I come in the house, and I just want to go to bed. I want to sleep because it is late and I'll be waking up early. I walk in and there are four guys, one of them has a credit card or ID or something in his hand, a plate in his lap, and I white line of powder on the plate. I walk in on him about to sniff it up his nose.
It makes me angry. He's a cute guy, I've never seen him before, but he's a cute guy dressed in nice clothes and he's probably...18? 19? Maybe younger, maybe older, I don't know.
But all this powder, all these pipes, all these lines, they make me want to....
THey make me want to strangle this stupid guy with nice clothes on and pour the stupid powder on top of his head and it makes me want to scream and it makes me want to kick him in the head, because maybe his brain may make a positive alteration.
I go to sleep instead. Read a book about drug addiction and recovery and going to rehab. WHY?
To hell if I know. To hell with the four guys across the hall. Before I go to sleep I hear someone across the hall sniff hard.
Good. Night. I don't know why it gets to me, I don't know why I care, but over the last two years, I've come to grip with these past times that people have and I've come to grip on my senses and my reaction to them.
Oh. Well. What's there to do? I don't know.
Oh. Well..

Translating

2005-12-19T21:15:00.000-08:00

UPS rang the bell, the brown box was on the porch. I opened it, and it doesn't matter what was in it but the name that was on it.

I'll bend to your will. And I've taken a lot of things for granted while glorifying the Infatuation, the Us.
My eyes float, they don't wander because 'wandering' makes me feel guilty, and I see things that interest me. I'm not going to ask permission.
Okay, so your voice over the phone doesn't tell me much. Your words don't tell my anything.
My words don't tell you anything. I don't want my words to tell you anything because yours don't give me anything either, and I'm childish and stubborn and if I'm going to go under like this, I'm taking you too.
But I'm not going under. Then what am I doing to you? Does this classify me as 'evil'? "Purely high school." No, I'm not evil, we're just typical, bottled, expected. This was inevitable, if you get on the outside and look in. Which is always a clearer view.
Not that this is breaking news. Not like we are either. Not like we're a big mark on the tragically broken hearted map.
Not like we're different. Romeo and Juliet? Not like this hasn't happened before. Gatsby and Daisy?
This isnt a push-over. Should it be?
I'm not confused. I mean, is there a word for beyond that? And naive? And bitter? All in one? I'm sure there is, my vocabulary is just short.
But I've gotten so off, talking about greedy love and now vocabulary.

Cat's Outta The Bag

2005-12-17T23:19:00.000-08:00

Alright, alright, I *am chilling out. I do have a lot to say, but I also don't know how to say it. I feel analyzed, after the confrontation with Brie, but that aside, her paper is now over, and so am I in her blogging world.
I should probably thank her though, because after reading her rough draft it kind of gives myself insight of how I am perceived, at least from someone looking in. The obsession I do have, and this makes me feel better at any rate, is easing and dulling and I think I can honestly say it is because she has shown me that it has been obsessive (not to mention the unneccessary emotion I put in). Teenage angst at its best, eh?

Baby..

2005-12-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, it is safe to say that I am happy. Happy with things. Accepting. That's the basic jist of everything, in a nut shell.

Officially Christmas Time

2005-11-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, would it be alright if we didn't say goodbye this time.
But have no worries, I'll be alright this time.
At the end of the night next time, after we look at the star filled night, can we escape...